The surprising health risks and secrets behind kissing
Setting a boundary is not like swearing a solemn oath. You’re not locked into a lifetime contract. They can be changed and adjusted as you evolve and your situation changes. For example, you may be more flexible with your time when a friend or partner is in need of support and you have the energy to play that role.
If you are struggling to set and assert your boundaries, or someone is constantly crossing them, it’s never a bad idea to reach out to a professional for some extra help.
If you are dealing with a mental illness, or are close to someone who is, setting boundaries can be even more difficult. For instance, a child of a person with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder will need to set boundaries to protect their own feelings, and a survivor of sexual assault may want to have clear boundaries about being touched.
In any area of life, poor boundaries can lead to resentment, anger, and burnout. If we don’t set limits, we can end up giving too much, and it doesn’t help us, or anyone else, in the long run.
Boundaries give us the safety and freedom to keep prioritizing ourselves while maintaining our relationships with others, whether that means making time for self-care, pursuing our career aspirations, or refusing to accept certain kinds of behavior.
Boundaries also give us space to grow and be vulnerable. Breaking a boundary at the right moment is a sign of trust. For example, you might open up to a family member or friend about a topic you had been keeping to yourself.
This is a clear expression of vulnerability and trust. It can strengthen your relationship with that person, and show them that it’s okay for them to open up too if they need to.
There is a difference between vulnerability and oversharing. Red flags for oversharing are one-sided conversations, emotional rants on social media, sharing personal details with new people to hurry the relationship along, and expecting friends and family to act as on-call therapists for daily dramas.
Doing this the odd time isn’t a crime–we all need to offload sometimes. However, if any of your relationships are raising a lot of these red flags, it might be time to set boundaries that are more comfortable for you. Alternatively, if you suspect you’ve been doing this, you may be guilty of trampling on someone else’s boundaries.
Boundaries are uniquely personal. Each and every one of us comes from a different background with a different set of experiences that shape our perspectives and how we feel about things. There’s no list of healthy boundaries that will work for everyone, so we all need to discover our own. Here’s how to do it.
There are a few basic things that we all deserve in life. For instance, the right to say "no," the right to feel safe, and the right not to meet unreasonable expectations. Identify what these basic rights are for you.
Once you have them clear in your mind, it’s a lot easier to honor them. You will be more aware of the energy you spend trying to pacify and please people who don’t respect your rights. This might be someone who doesn't see your needs as being as important as theirs, or someone who doesn't allow you to make mistakes.
The boundaries we set are related to our morals as well as our feelings. Make a list of the 10 values that are most important to you. Then narrow it down to five! Consider these key values and how they might be challenged in your daily life. This will help you to define your boundaries and prepare you for those situations. Let's take a look at how to put these boundaries into action.
If someone asks you to dance or asks for your number, you can say "no" and you don’t owe them any more than that. If a coworker asks you to cover their shift, you don’t need to explain why you can’t. Therapist Steven Reigns says that sometimes setting boundaries relies on our tolerance for feeling uncomfortable. Practice saying "no" to small things and build your way up.
Being assertive is a challenge for a lot of people because of the fear of coming across as harsh or domineering. It can be scary, but the key to being assertive is to give a clear and non-negotiable message without blaming or threatening the recipient.
A good start is to use an “I” statement, and then explain what you need. Here’s an example: I feel restricted and a bit stressed when every minute of the vacation is planned. I need some flexibility and free time outside of our planned activities.
It’s equally important to respect other people’s boundaries. Look out for these cues that might suggest you’re crossing a line: they avoid eye contact, back away slightly, turn away, limit responses, display nervous behavior like talking fast or laughing, crossing arms, stiffening posture, wincing, or flinching. This is particularly important when you’re talking to a neurodiverse person who is on the autism spectrum, for example.
When you were younger, you might have been one of those kids who put a sign on their bedroom door telling their brothers or sisters to “KEEP OUT!” Setting boundaries seemed so simple back then.
The simplest way to gauge whether you’re respecting someone’s boundaries is to ask. Ask them if they’re comfortable with a hug. Ask if they mind you asking them a personal question. Never underestimate the power of asking.
Sources: (Healthline) (Positive Psychology)
See also: What is nonviolent communication and how can we practice it?
Nonetheless, boundaries are essential. In the most basic sense they’re there for our safety. Even if you’re the biggest people pleaser in the world, you’re not going to get into a car with a stranger at night just because it seems impolite to reject their offer. We all have limits, and boundaries are how we protect them.
We hear a lot about boundaries these days. It's a big buzzword in pop psychology, but the concept is quite abstract and tricky to pin down. You might imagine a wall or a stop sign, but a personal boundary is more like a protective bubble you surround yourself with that can be expanded or contracted at will. The purpose of this bubble is to clearly define where you end and another person begins. This can be in terms of physical space, emotions, or energy. Boundaries help us to strengthen our sense of identity and maintain a healthy balance in our relationships and interactions.
Let's explore what a personal boundary really is, the benefits of boundaries, and how to set them. Click through the gallery to learn more.
The ultimate guide to setting personal boundaries
The art of valuing yourself as much as you value others
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We hear a lot about boundaries these days. It's a big buzzword in pop psychology, but the concept is quite abstract and tricky to pin down. You might imagine a wall or a stop sign, but a personal boundary is more like a protective bubble you surround yourself with that can be expanded or contracted at will. The purpose of this bubble is to clearly define where you end and another person begins. This can be in terms of physical space, emotions, or energy. Boundaries help us to strengthen our sense of identity and maintain a healthy balance in our relationships and interactions.
Let's explore what a personal boundary really is, the benefits of boundaries, and how to set them. Click through the gallery to learn more.