What do tigers, cannonballs, and grenades have in common?
Conversation about the "pick-me girl" has exploded online in recent years. Our culture has fueled it from both ends, by encouraging pick-me behavior and by empowering everyone who can type in the hashtag #pickme on TikTok to criticize the behavior when they see it—which is perhaps why it has nearly six billion views and counting on the social media platform.
Upon learning the definition of a pick-me girl, and almost certainly upon witnessing one, it's easy to make a swift and unforgiving verdict that collapses the complexities of feminism. But our knee-jerk negative response to the so-called phenomenon exposes an even darker underbelly of gender inequality, one which reflects our own criticism back at us.
To learn more about what a pick-me girl is, how the concept traps women in a cycle of male approval, and how we can ever escape the conditions within which the whole discourse exists, click on the following gallery.
The concept is broadly defined as a heterosexual woman who goes out of her way to impress guys and make herself seem like she's "not like other girls."
"'Pick me' behavior is used to draw people in and then keep them there," Jessica Alderson, relationship expert and So Syncd co-founder, told Refinery29. "They want you to think that they're unique and that you wouldn't be able to find anyone else who is nearly as special as them."
Pick-me behavior can involve dressing more sexily in the presence of men, acting more flirtatious and playful, bragging about wealth and status, and talking badly about others—all purportedly in the pursuit of male attention.
A surefire way to spot a pick-me girl is someone who denounces stereotypically feminine behaviors, like wearing makeup, to make herself seem like she's "not like other girls."
Women proclaiming that they "hate girl drama" and they only hang out with guys is also typical pick-me behavior.
Pick-me behavior also includes agreeing with or expressing anti-feminist thoughts to align themselves (either in reality or in their minds) with men. It's the tip of the iceberg of subconsciously internalized misogyny, which underlies most of this discourse.
Another common trait is insisting that they're lower maintenance than most girls and trying to act very laid-back, as if those two traits naturally oppose women's nature.
And at the same time, pick-me behavior also involves adopting some stereotypical behaviors and activities of cisgender, heterosexual men, such as liking sports or drinking beer—as if those were naturally reserved for men.
According to relationship coach and author Catherine Wilde, these pick-me traits are a form of courtship "in which an individual attempts to increase their chances of being chosen as a mate by engaging in behaviors that make them more attractive to the opposite sex," as she told Refinery29. It's just like how many male animals tear each other down to show a female that they're the better mate.
One peek online will show you just how loathed pick-me girls are, and the main reason they're so heavily criticized is because their behavior uses men's approval as the basis of a woman's value.
Additionally, any woman who doesn't want to be like other women inherently generalizes "other women" negatively, and through a patriarchal lens of competition.
The framing of the pick-me girl creates and perpetuates the illusion that in order to make oneself more appealing, women must make other women less appealing. The reality is (or should be) that seeing someone tear others down is actually less attractive.
The entire concept turns upon men's judgment of women and places men's attention and approval as the highest a woman can hope to win.
But the intensely negative reaction people have towards pick-me girls highlights another problematic part of society: how little tolerance there is for any woman who is transparently "trying"—maintaining this idea that women must be cool and appealing but only effortlessly and without any apparent agenda.
Wilde told Refinery29, "While there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be noticed or wanting to feel loved, the term often has a negative connotation because it implies that the person is willing to do anything to get what they want." It's interesting that we can think of countless stories within Hollywood alone celebrating men who are willing to do anything for what they want, but when it comes to women it is quickly shamed.
Celebrities have an interesting involvement in this trend because they must all technically be pick-me people to become famous in the first place, clamoring over fellow talented artists to earn the spotlight, and yet only the women are lambasted for it. Many stars, including Addison Rae, Jennifer Lawrence, and Kendall Jenner, have been accused of pick-me behavior, and a few have even addressed it.
The model has admitted on multiple occasions that she used to be a pick-me girl, but on the 'Going Mental with Eileen Kelly' podcast in March 2023 she defined it as abandoning her "own priorities in order to be loved, or to be chosen." This extended to her career, she said, because she was "appealing to a lot of powerful men, essentially." She added, "I just totally abandoned my own boundaries and my own ideas of what is important."
Either way you look at it—from being a pick-me to criticizing the pick-me—the discourse keeps us trapped in a patriarchal nightmare in which women remain in a cycle of chasing male approval while competing with one another.
While pick-me girls are shamed for being misogynistic, shaming pick-me girls is also being called out as misogynistic. Women are, after all, allowed to have dissenting opinions and to reject things like makeup and embrace things like sports without it being solely in the name of male attention or validation.
In a world that is well known for making people feel insecure about themselves, it makes sense that pick-me behavior is so common. It indicates that the person isn't confident enough to choose their authentic selves and would rather strategically adopt a certain persona to attract attention.
Pick-me behavior also sets up the manipulative conditions for a toxic relationship. No relationship should begin by faking a personality, nor by staking your reputation on the denigration of others.
It's not just reserved for single people, either. People who grow insecure in their relationships—for example, if their partner starts liking photos of other women—can begin to take on certain behaviors to make themselves stand out against those women.
It's impossible to be vulnerable with a partner if you are pretending to be someone you're not, and vulnerability is essential for a real, lasting relationship. Plus, a pick-me personality is not sustainable and you'll be left feeling exhausted, emotionally drained, and resentful.
This so-called pick-me phenomenon appears to have partly risen out of the overwhelming sense of competition in the modern dating world. There are so many people available at the tips of our fingers on our phones that it makes sense some people would go to great lengths to stand out.
At the root of the pick-me problem is something we can all relate to: wanting to be chosen and feel loved. It's not something to be ashamed of, and yet we treat it like it is.
Perhaps in direct opposition to the pick-me girl, the "girl's girl" has arisen as a highly commendable badge of honor. A girl's girl is someone who strives to be ethical and refrain from pettiness in their female relationships, valuing them perhaps even more than their male relationships.
It involves having close female friends, speaking highly of women even in the presence of men, telling a woman she looks great instead of sneering at her, not gossiping, embracing a wide spectrum of whatever "femininity" means, dressing for yourself, and generally lifting women up without fear that they are your competition.
No matter where you stand on the discourse, the overarching problem is that after years of being policed by the patriarchy on what is and isn't appropriate for women to do, women have consequently begun policing themselves. The only real solution to this discourse is to end it entirely.
Rejecting labels of what is traditionally "feminine" or "masculine" is a good place to start. To escape the male gaze and the internalized misogyny that traps them there, women need only become attuned and stay true to their own wants, needs, and desires no matter what others might think, while also affording others that very same opportunity.
Sources: (Refinery29) (Bustle) (Cosmopolitan)
What is a "pick-me girl," and why is the concept so harmful to women?
It's actually not that cool if she's "not like other girls"
LIFESTYLE Feminism
Conversation about the "pick-me girl" has exploded online in recent years. Our culture has fueled it from both ends, by encouraging pick-me behavior and by empowering everyone who can type in the hashtag #pickme on TikTok to criticize the behavior when they see it—which is perhaps why it has nearly six billion views and counting on the social media platform.
Upon learning the definition of a pick-me girl, and almost certainly upon witnessing one, it's easy to make a swift and unforgiving verdict that collapses the complexities of feminism. But our knee-jerk negative response to the so-called phenomenon exposes an even darker underbelly of gender inequality, one which reflects our own criticism back at us.
To learn more about what a pick-me girl is, how the concept traps women in a cycle of male approval, and how we can ever escape the conditions within which the whole discourse exists, click on the following gallery.