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Different understandings -

Children at different ages have different understandings of serious illnesses and death. It's important to keep this in mind as you support them through this phase.

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Possible reactions -

And with different understandings comes different types of reactions. Remember that children are individuals with their own personalities.

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Denial -

Some kids refuse to believe that their parent is seriously ill. They might even act out by crying or displaying anger.

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Breaking rules -

Some display their sadness and anger by refusing to go along with the family rules. They might refuse to clean up or do their homework, for example.

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Isolation -

Sometimes children will withdraw and isolate themselves from family member and even their friends.

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Refuse to listen -

Some kids may refuse to listen to an explanation of what’s going on, or even pretend nothing is wrong.

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Act like they're younger - Children may regress, meaning that they do things the way they did when they were younger. They may also act like they're younger than what they really are.

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Change in behavior -

Children may also have trouble leaving the ill parent to go to school, have temper tantrums, or change toileting habits, which were previously under control.

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Emotions -

Children with a seriously or terminally ill parent may feel a lot of anxiety and fear. Abandonment is also a common feeling, especially if the parent is away a lot more for treatments and other procedures.

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A sense of responsibility -

Older children and teens may also feel responsibility for the parent’s illness, and even an increased responsibility around the house.

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When should children be told that a parent is dying? -

Young kids have trouble understanding that death may happen in the future. But they can understand what the illness is doing to their parent's body, and that it may stop working.

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Prepare them -

Many factors influence when a child needs to be told that a parent probably is going to die. But hopefully they’ve been given truthful information from the start. Overall, children need to be told the truth bit by bit over time.

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Talking to children about death -

This is a tough talk to have with your child. However, if you feel like you can't do it, ask your social worker, nurse, or doctor for help. There's no shame in doing so.

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Start by asking how they think things are going -

This helps you get an idea of how your child thinks things are going. Ask if they've noticed any changes, and what they think these changes mean. Never assume that you know what's going on in your child’s mind. You have to ask.

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Use the right words -

It's tempting to avoid words like "die" or "death," and instead say things like "pass away," to make it sound lighter. But younger children often don't understand what these nicer-sounding words mean.

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Phrases to use -

Death should be explained in terms such as these: "Death means that we’ll no longer see the person we love except in our hearts and minds." Or, "Death means the person will no longer be physically there in our lives."

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Be prepared to repeat this conversation -

You may have to repeat these hard discussions many times for your kid to fully understand. Although this is painful for the adult, it’s a key part of preparing the child for a possible death.

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Reassure children they will still be cared for -

In case the parent dies, children need to be told what changes to expect. Planning and talking to them about it lets them know how important they are.

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Spiritual and religious beliefs may help comfort children -

A family's cultural, spiritual, or religious beliefs are often very important in how they understand death and cope with it.

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A way to help them understand -

For example, if people believe in life after death, death may be seen as a new beginning. Sharing your beliefs with your child can help them process the illness and death better.

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Help children talk about their fears -

You can suggest to your child that they may be afraid and it’s okay to talk about it. Helping them speak about their feelings can help them deal with the situation better.

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Keep communication open -

There is nothing worse or more anxiety provoking for children than to learn about the truth of their parent's illness by overhearing from someone else. Even when it's tough, keep communication open.

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Be honest -

While children may not always be able to process the information they're given, they'll be grateful that they've been told the truth. They'll especially understand this once they grow up.

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Show your own emotions -

Even though it may feel counterintuitive, it can be helpful to show your own emotions. Doing so will help validate their own feelings.

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Maintain routines -

Initially, after a diagnosis is made, some form of chaos usually follows. This is part of the process. However, it's extremely helpful for children to maintain their routine, as it gives them stability and security.

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Write down their schedule -

Writing out a daily or weekly schedule will also help those supporting you during this difficult time. Think about the places your kid needs to be, as well as some special rituals like movie nights or park visits.

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Ask for help -

As we live in a culture that values independence and self-sufficiency, asking for help in managing our children’s lives can be hard.

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You're not alone -

But the reality is you won't have the energy to manage and control your child's life during these difficult times. This is when turning to friends and family for help will be crucial for your well-being, and that of your child's.

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Consider involving people at your child’s school -

It's important that parents speak to the child's teacher about the illness. The school staff can then watch your child and let you know if they notice any issues.

See also: How to cope with the loss of a sibling

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