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Definition -

Conversational narcissism is the tendency to take over a conversation and to turn the focus to yourself.

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How it was discovered -

Sociologist Charles Derber discovered this tendency after watching the give and take between 1,500 conversations. He coined the term “conversational narcissism,” noticing that many people were purposefully (or subconsciously) vying for attention throughout the dialogue.

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Doesn’t mean you’re self-centered -

Just because you have some of these traits doesn’t mean you are completely self-centered. Some people use these tendencies as a defense mechanism for anxiety, while others merely want to get their point across quicker. What is important, however, is that if you notice these tendencies you try to counteract them.

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How to tell you’re a conversational narcissist -

The most important way to start is to determine what traits define a conversational narcissist. You'll know you're one if...

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You immediately seek people out -

The first thing you want to do when you enter a space is find people to talk to, ideally about yourself.

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You don’t ask follow-up questions -

You don’t really care about what the other person is talking about, so you don’t ask any follow-up questions to move the conversation along.

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You’re the only one talking -

While talking to new people is exciting, conversation shouldn’t be a monologue.

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You only respond in non-committal noises -

Instead of actively listening, you make a lot of passive noises such as “uh-huh” or “yeah.” This is often because you are just waiting for the other person to finish so that it can be your turn to talk again.

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You don’t ask the other person how they’re feeling -

One of the first things typically done in a conversation is to check on the other person’s well-being. However, you often skip that part.

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You find people boring -

You’re constantly leaving conversations thinking that people don’t have a whole lot to say.

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You constantly give advice -

This sometimes comes with the best of intentions. However, you often give advice without the other person having asked for it.

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You interrupt… a lot -

You frequently interrupt other people’s stories and opinions because you feel that what you have to say is more important or more correct.

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You begin talking without prompting -

Not only do you skip the “how are you?”, but you even skip the “hello.” You immediately launch into a story about something that happened to you because you assume it’s what people want to hear.

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You use a shift-response -

A shift-response is when you add on to another person’s story to bring the focus back to yourself. This is often used in combination with follow-up questions in order to subtly shift the focus without the other party realizing it.

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You frequently tell people they’re wrong -

It’s your way or the highway. When you disagree with someone you don’t try to talk it out to see their point of view, you merely point out that they’re incorrect.

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You always have “better” stories -

Whatever story comes up in conversation, you think of a related and obviously better story involving yourself. While this may happen every now and again, it shouldn’t happen all the time. No one likes to be one upped constantly.

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Steps to correct this behavior -

If some of these characteristics sound like you, never fear. There are ways to correct these behaviors so that you can have healthier and more cooperative conversations.

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Cooperative, not competitive -

The key to a quality conversation is cooperation. Cooperative conversations are those that involve participants who are willing to both give and receive attention.

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Listen to understand -

Don't just listen to find topics that you can, in turn, hijack. Really try to understand what the person is trying to say and follow up on what you want to clarify.

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Ask questions -

Asking questions means that you are actively listening and trying to learn more about the other person. It will move the conversation along and create a better bond.

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Stop trying to outdo others -

Just appreciate the insight into someone else's life. There's no need to compete with their story and think of something you deem "better."

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Use the support-response -

Support-responses are those that keep the focus directed on the person speaking and the topic they were referencing. They could include follow-up questions or an apt observation. 

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Wait until people ask you about your experiences -

If the other person isn't a conversational narcissist themselves, they will eventually ask you about your experiences or opinion. Wait for them to offer you the spotlight instead of just taking it.

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Ask before you give advice -

Sometimes people are looking for advice, but other times they’re just venting or wanting to share a story. Wait until they ask you for advice or, if you’re unsure if that’s what they’re looking for, just ask.

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Clarify if you don’t agree -

Instead of just telling someone they’re wrong, try to find out where they’re coming from. It will lead to a more constructive conversation and a better exchange of ideas.

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How to respond to a conversational narcissist -

If you find yourself in a dialogue with a conversational narcissist, whether it be a random stranger or a good friend, here are some tactics you can use to help.

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Realize it’s not you -

Don't assume you're boring just because they keep shifting focus. If you have a real conversational narcissist on your hands, it has nothing to do with you.

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Wait them out -

Use their own strategy against them. Don't ask any follow-up questions or engage in any of their stories, as all they really want is your attention.

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Use empathic confrontation -

Wendy Behary, author of 'Disarming the Narcissist,' suggests empathic confrontation. Essentially you stop them from taking over, instructing them to listen, as you would actually like to share more.

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Set boundaries -

Make sure you limit the amount of time you're exposed to this type of person. When you do talk to them, remind yourself of what you're getting into. 

See also: Learn to recognize the signs of a toxic friendship.

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