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Attachment theory -

The following three statements were designed based on "attachment theory," developed in the 1950s and 1960s by English psychologist John Bowlby.

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Statement #1 -

“Getting close to, and becoming comfortable depending on another person comes pretty naturally for me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or feel too close for comfort.”

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Statement #2 -

“I find that other people are often more reluctant to get as close as I would like. While in relationships, I often feel like my partner doesn’t love me as much as I do them, or wants to leave me. I can become pushy in seeking closeness, which scares people away.”

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Statement #3 -

“I find that I feel uncomfortable in getting close to other people. I find it difficult to completely trust and depend on them, feeling often that I will be let down if I do. Often others are wanting to become more intimate with me than I feel comfortable being, so I pull back.”

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"Secure" attachment -

If the first statement best describes you, you can be considered “secure” in your attachment style, as love and trust come easily.

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"Anxious" attachment -

If the second statement best describes you, then you can be considered as having an “anxious” style of attachment, meaning that you long for intimacy but often negate the chances of it by behaving aggressively. This aggression is driven by fear of being taken advantage of or being let down.

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“Avoidant” attachment -

If the third statement best describes you, you can consider yourself as having an “avoidant” style of attachment. You negate the risk of emotional hurt through emotional withdrawal.

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Recognition -

In knowing which pattern of attachment we associate with, we can be aware of our behavior in future love situations and better understand and recognize when we are behaving oddly and getting in our own way.

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Practical knowledge -

In understanding these patterns of behavior, we may also better understand our partner’s behavior and know, for one example, when they simply need space instead of thinking that they don’t love or care about us anymore.

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Knowing our demons -

As most people fall into the categories of “anxious” or “avoidant” styles of attachment, it would be beneficial to know what drives the behavior to help ourselves and those around us.

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A slight complication -

To make the matter even more complicated, people who have “anxious” and “avoidant” attachment styles are more likely to fall for one another.

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A fighting chance -

As with most problems in life, recognizing specific behavior that may cause trouble for us in relationships will allow us to see it for what it is. That way we at least have a fighting chance to end the behavior.

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“Avoidant” attachment- Pulling away -

Those in the “avoidant” style of attachment camp are more likely to pull away when they begin to feel close to somebody.

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“Avoidant” attachment- distance -

They may feel more comfortable having sex with strangers, or with the lights off, and feel uncomfortable about kissing and cuddling.

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“Avoidant” attachment- Have self-empathy -

This kind of behavior is not entirely their fault, as it is rooted in childhood.

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“Avoidant” attachment- The protected soul -

They may have offered someone love or affection as a child and been rejected or humiliated, so the walls came up as a means of protecting themselves.

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“Avoidant” attachment- Carrying tension -

The dynamics that they bring to their relationships may be a result of unsolved tension from their past.

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“Avoidant” attachment- Reframing how you see things -

In understanding the “anxious” style of attachment, we may more easily empathize with our partners’ need for attention and affection.

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“Anxious” attachment -

If you define yourself as “anxious” in your style of attachment, it would be wise to consider the following.

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“Anxious” attachment- Understanding your partner -

Your partner may be quiet because they find that they have nothing to say, are tired, or something is bothering them at work.

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“Anxious” attachment- Something else entirely -

They may feel like they don’t want to burden you with how they feel they’ve been done wrong outside of your shared relationship.

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“Anxious” attachment- Your partner's coping mechanisms -

There is nothing wrong with needing love and attention to maintain a balanced emotional state. In fact, it’s perfectly normal.

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“Anxious” attachment- Behind the curtain -

Just as the "avoidant" partner will benefit from understanding the "anxious" partner's need for attention, the "anxious" partner will benefit from understanding their "avoidant" quietness as a coping mechanism.

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Far from alone -

Your partner is damaged emotionally, as are you. If it is any relief, you are part of a large proportion of people who fall into one of the two categories of attachment that present more than their fair share of difficulties in relationships.

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Going forward -

Going forward as either an “anxious” or “avoidant” lover, we need to have some sympathy for ourselves and understand that we just need some training.

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Going forward with eyes wide open -

In knowing these basic facts about ourselves, we may begin to recognize when we’re falling into traps and attempt to correct our path.

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“Secure” attachment -

As for the lucky people that identify as “secure” in love, even though you don’t pull away when intimacy is offered, or don’t find yourself giving more love than you receive very often, relationships will be still just be slightly less complicated. 

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“Secure” attachment- It's not supposed to be easy -

You're still subject to the many other difficulties and issues that could arise during relationships besides those associated with style of attachment, of which there are many.

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But it can be easier -

Sharing our lives with another human being is, as we should expect, not always going to be sunshine and rainbows. But in understanding ourselves and partners better, we might be able to change our behavior, thinking, and approach to our relationships in little ways so that our relationships are as less stressful and painful than they need to be.

Sources: (Simply Psychology)(National Library of Medicine)(Verywell Mind)

See also: The triangular theory of love

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