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The definition - Codependency can be defined as any kind of relationship where two people become so invested in each other that they can no longer function independently.

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The obvious kind - An obvious form of codependency occurs in relationships where substance abuse is involved. If one person in the relationship suffers from an addiction, they may become entirely dependent on the other person for money and shelter.

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The more subtle kind -

That’s an extreme example. Emotional codependency also occurs in the most healthy and normal-seeming relationships. It’s also not restricted to romantic relationships. It’s possible to have codependent relationships with friends and family, too.

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Difficult to detect -

Codependent relationships can be extremely destructive. That’s because we often don’t realize we’re in them, so we don’t know how to get out. It’s healthy for partners to depend on each other and support each other, but there needs to be a balance between independence and mutual support.

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Losing your sense of self - Codependency occurs when this balance is off kilter. Your mood, your happiness, and even your identity become inextricably linked to the other person.

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The giver and the taker -

In codependent relationships, romantic or otherwise, there is usually one person who takes on the more passive, caring role, and one who has the more dominant role.

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An imbalance of care - The passive person relies heavily on the other to help them make decisions and reassure them. The dominant person gains some kind of reward from having this control over the other person.

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Relationship addiction - Codependency is sometimes referred to as “relationship addiction.” It’s similar to addiction because the person becomes dependent on something that’s harmful for them, but it’s extremely difficult to break the habit.

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Enabling - Enabling is one of the key signs of a codependent relationship. Enabling can be defined as any behavior that aims to ease tension in the relationship caused by the other person’s problematic habits.

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Constant dig outs -

This could be something extreme like repeatedly bailing someone out of jail, or giving them money every time they get into debt. This is common in relationships where substance abuse or gambling addictions are involved.

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Finding excuses -

Enabling can also occur in more subtle ways. One partner might always be accepting excuses for the shortcomings of the other. They always give second chances, and even try to solve the other person’s problems for them.

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The red flags -

Here are some of the other key signs of a codependent relationship.

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1. Rescue and responsibility - People who struggle with codependency often have a pattern of trying to rescue others, and even take responsibility for their mistakes. Their intentions are good, but they go overboard in trying to help others to such a degree that they prevent others from taking care of themselves.

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1. Rescue and responsibility -

It’s easy to see how this can become an unhealthy dynamic. One partner may constantly be trying to carry the other person rather than letting them stand on their own two feet. The other person might get used to this and stop trying to do things for themselves, such as progressing in life and solving their own problems.

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2. Self sacrifice -

The giver in a codependent relationship often gets a great sense of purpose out of sacrificing for others. They go above and beyond, often to their own detriment, and it gives them a boost of self confidence.

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2. Self sacrifice - This is problematic because we are not usually asked to make such sacrifices, and they can be unwanted. Even if the person on the receiving end of all of this excessive effort is happy to receive it, it’s still unsustainable. The giver will inevitably run out of resources, whether they’re emotional or financial.

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3. Pattern of caretaking -

A codependent person often has a pattern of entering into long-lasting relationships where they have to take on excessive caretaking responsibilities. They frequently find themselves in situations that would make most people turn and run.

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3. Pattern of caretaking -

This might look like choosing partners with serious issues, or continuously initiating friendships with people who are seriously dysfunctional and struggling to cope.

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4. Attracting dysfunctional people -

They might seem to attract people who are low-functioning or constantly in crisis. Taking on relationships like this is a way of avoiding their own adult responsibilities, because they always have to care for someone who’s in a worse situation.

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5. Taking too much responsibility -

A codependent giver will go so far with their “support” that they will take responsibility for solving other people’s problems. Unfortunately, they are often trying to take on problems that are beyond their ability to solve, like addiction or mental illness in others.

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6. Enabling through care -

Since the codependent person takes on so much responsibility for their partner’s problems, they can end up preventing their partner from taking the necessary steps to truly help themselves.

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6. Enabling through care -

A codependent giver has good intentions, but they are also satisfying their own need to feel needed. The other person’s reliance on them makes them feel secure in the relationship.

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7. Constant need for reassurance -

On that note, the need for assurance and security is very strong. They often have intense fear of abandonment and need constant reassurance that the relationship will continue and that they are loved.

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8. Testing the relationship - To gain this reassurance, some codependent people will test their partners or friends. In a romantic relationship, this might look like evoking jealousy because it feels like proof that they’re wanted, or threatening to leave just so their partner will beg them to stay.

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9. Intensity - Codependent relationships can often be extremely intense. When one partner is so involved in the other’s problems that they take on their emotions and their struggles, it can create an unhealthy emotional bond.

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9. Intensity - The cycle of crisis and support makes it feel like they’ve been through a war together and survived. The positive feelings that come out of this intense but unhealthy connection make it all the more difficult to break the pattern.

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Codependent tendencies often form in childhood -

The best way to see how likely you are to form a codependent relationship is to look back to your childhood. The way we attach ourselves to other people is often learned through observation when we’re young.

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We learn what we see -

If you have had a codependent relationship with your parents, or observed this relationship dynamic between them, you’re more likely to be prone to repeating their mistakes.

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There is hope -

The important thing to remember is that codependency doesn’t have to be permanent, and it doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed. If those involved are willing to acknowledge it and put the work in, they can sometimes find their way to a healthier relationship.

Sources: (Psychology Today) (Bustle) (Everyday Health)

See also: Signs you should give your partner more space

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