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It’s a relatively new term -

Sapiosexuality is a relatively new addition to the sexuality lexicon, and though there were whispers of the word online prior, Merriam Webster reports that the first recorded use was in 2004.

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The signs of being a sapiosexual -

Before we get into the controversy of it, first let's look at what sapiosexuality is said to look like. The following are common traits typically associated with sapiosexuals in relationships.

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Their relationships start slow -

Oftentimes it's expected that sapiosexuals don't jump into romance right away. Rather, relationships tend to start out as friendships, giving them the time to really understand the person. In other words, it's not an immediate attraction based upon looks.

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They might seem less sexual -

Sapiosexuals tend to prefer discussing things like books and movies on first dates rather than trying to get into bed as fast as possible. Intellectual discussions can sometimes be more erotically rewarding than physical touch.

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Intellectual discussion is necessary for sex -

Most sapiosexuals reportedly can't feel comfortable enough to connect with someone sexually unless they've had an intellectual discussion. In other words, talking about politics could very well count as foreplay! Sex and relationship therapist Casey Tanner told MBG: "Intellectual connection may be considered far more effective foreplay than even physical touch."

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They avoid small talk -

Unchallenging, frivolous chatter does not bode well with sapiosexuals, and if the conversation starts to go that way they'll often ask harder questions to get people to think about things one might usually not. They supposedly prefer to unearth insights rather than merely pass the time.

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They want to be challenged -

As long as they are mentally aroused, sapiosexuals won't care so much about what you wear or how much money you earn.

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They're also drawn to emotional intelligence -

While intelligence is a focus of sapiosexuals, it also involves emotional intelligence. That means they can also be drawn to people who show compassion, empathy, and humility.

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Not to be confused with demisexuality -

Often, sapiosexuality is confused with demisexuality—an orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction to someone after making an emotional connection with them. For sapiosexuals, intellectual spark is more important than emotional connection, and in fact the connection must be intellectual before they can begin to experience sexual attraction.

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They are great at communication -

Text or email conversations are especially great with sapiosexuals, who supposedly tend to be very articulate. Witty banter is considered a turn-on, and their feelings are typically always made clear.

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They can lose romantic interest after a disagreement -

While some couples can agree to disagree, many sapiosexuals will lose romantic interest in someone if they don't find their interlocutor's political, philosophical, or spiritual arguments valid.

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They're attentive to thought processes -

Sapiosexuals tend to analyze not only the information being shared, but the process of getting to that information—and the more sophisticated, the better.

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They prefer deep, long-lasting friendships -

Sapiosexuals are said to be great friends, as they value growing and learning with people over a fleeting good time.

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Is it a real sexual orientation? -

Despite sapiosexuality's increasing appearance in discussions about sexual identity, there are many who still do not view sapiosexuality as a real orientation.

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Problems with including it in the LGBTQ+ umbrella -

One of the main problems arises when people claim that sapiosexuality should be included under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. Many queer people argue that it can't be included because it's not related to gender preferences.

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It's more of a supplemental sexual identity -

In other words, a sapiosexual person can also identify as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or graysexual.

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The 'how' and not the 'who' - “Sapiosexuality is how the person develops their attraction to someone. It is the how, not the who, of their attraction experience,”  Kryss Shane, a dual-licensed social worker and LGBTQ+ expert, told MBG.

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What's in a name? -

Many self-identifying sapiosexuals still hold fast to the label as an orientation, which isn't a problem in and of itself. Labels help people feel comfortable and confident in their sexuality, while also allowing a community to form around them.

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Some find it ableist and classist -

While many find sapiosexuality to be pretentious, some have made a deeper argument that the 'orientation' is ableist and classist.

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Some find it ableist and classist - "It excludes those with learning disabilities and neurodiversity," explained Jenn M. Jackson Ph.D., a writer and columnist with Teen Vogue, on Twitter. "It privileges traditional markers of intellect like degrees and passport stamps which are often less accessible to poor folx.”

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The argument has merit -

Since sapiosexuality can take the form of a preference for people who read a certain type of literature or have completed a certain degree, the argument of sapiosexuality being ableist and classist undeniably holds some weight.

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The Mark Ronson drama - In 2019, famed music producer Mark Ronson said he identified as sapiosexual on 'Good Morning Britain,' and stirred quite a bit of controversy after the host declared, “So you're coming out as sapiosexual, congratulations!” The media interpreted the moment as Ronson's intentional coming out moment, as if he were staking claim to a marginalized community who needed to “come out.”

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He apologized - In a subsequent interview with Rolling Stone, he clarified, “I do not consider myself part of any marginalized community. I apologize if anybody misunderstood or took offense to it." He continued: "It sounds like I went on a TV show to be like, 'Guys, I have some big news!' And the fact that I would go on and sort of declare myself—like as a heterosexual white male—part of any marginalized community was terrifying to me, or just embarrassing."

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What really happened -

Ronson was asked about sapiosexuality on 'Good Morning Britain' after an earlier segment had focused on it. He admitted that he didn't know much about it, and the hosts explained it as "when you're attracted to intelligence," leading Ronson to think, "That sounds great. Of course, who wouldn't be?" The hosts then capitalized on that to create his “coming out” moment.

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How was Ronson's understanding wrong? -

Gender and sexuality educator Eli A Scriver, founder of 'Pillowtalk,' a queer-inclusive column and radio show, clarified to InStyle that sapiosexuality is not just the attraction to intelligence, but rather it's being more attracted to intelligence than other traits, including sense of humor, family-orientedness, or empathy, for example.

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Other things to remember -

If a sapiosexual person likes you, it doesn't mean you're more intelligent than everyone else—after all, intelligence is subjective. The intelligence that sapiosexuals are attracted to is perceived intelligence, which cannot be accurately measured.

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There are many kinds of intelligence - As we mentioned earlier, there is emotional intelligence, plus there is spiritual intelligence, linguistic intelligence, logistical intelligence, and so forth. The kind of intelligence preferred by a sapiosexual will depend upon what they were raised to value, or the particular beliefs they hold.

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For example -

One sapiosexual could be attracted to left-wing philosophers, and another could only find right-wing political theorists attractive. The intelligence in question is determined purely by the sapiosexual's bias.

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Sapiosexuality is still quite common -

Dating site OkCupid has allowed users to add sapiosexual to their dating profile since 2014, and reported in 2017 that 0.5% of their users identify as sapiosexual, though InStyle accurately notes that people actively trying to find mates cannot be representative of a general population. Still, self-identifying sapiosexuals are increasingly around us!

Sources: (HowStuffWorks) (USA Today) (InStyle) (MindBodyGreen) (Rolling Stone) (The New York Times)

See also: Are you emotionally intelligent? Here's how to tell

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