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Speak to one another like adults -

It’s easy for parents and adult children to fall into age-inappropriate communication patterns. During disagreements, adult children may find themselves speaking and acting younger than they are.

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Speak to one another like adults -

Parents, in turn, may speak to adult children as though speaking to a child, offering unsolicited advice and making demands. If this happens, both parties need to take a step back and shift into speaking like adults.

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Take a step back -

It’s important for everyone involved to take a step back to assess what is and isn't working in the relationship. However, this might not always be a conscious move, as some habits are so ingrained.

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Stay conscious -

Many adults don’t really have much say in the relationship with their parents, and have unconsciously adapted to the parent's wishes without stopping to notice how it made them feel.

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Be truly present -

On the other hand, it may not occur to the parent to check in with their adult children about their lives unless things really fall apart. This can cause a lot of frustration on both ends.

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Ask yourselves questions for clarity -

To build a healthier relationship, start by asking yourselves questions like "Does this feel like an adult relationship?" "What parts of this relationship may need revising?"

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Reflecting questions -

"What kinds of conversations and activities make me uncomfortable?" "If I could change one thing about my relationship with my parent/child right now, it would be…"

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Open and honest communication -

The answers to these questions may open your eyes to the best and most challenging parts of the relationship. Once each person has noticed what is and isn’t working, then it's time to openly and honestly communicate one's needs to each other.

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Create new terms -

Open up by negotiating new terms of the relationship. This might be done with requests like: "Dad, I really like it when you ask me how work is going and engage with me about my job," or "Honey, it feels like you never ask me how I’m doing. I’d love for you to check in with me when we talk on the phone."

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How to have tough conversations -

These conversations may be uncomfortable, but if both sides are open they can be very effective. It'll be even more impactful if family members think about what and how to say what they want, in a calm and gentle manner.

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Be open to feedback -

Family members should be open to providing and receiving uncomfortable feedback, even if it might feel awkward at first.

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Be open to feedback -

Accepting feedback is key for healthy relationship management, and it means accepting responsibility for one’s role in hurting or irritating another person.

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Take responsibility -

Both family members hold responsibility for managing, shaping, and maintaining the relationship. This means initiating contact, compromising, and finding mutual ways to connect.

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It can’t be one-sided -

If both sides are stubborn and simply wait for the other to take action, then there’s a risk for resentment to develop.

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Identify past conflict styles -

Silent treatments, passive aggression, screaming fights, the ignoring of issues, and guilt trips are some unhealthy conflict styles that can occur during childhood.

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Move forward -

These conflict patterns can be hard to revise, but are important to identify in order to move forward.

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Learn constructive conflict -

Taking responsibility for the relationship is each party seeing their role in these conflict cycles and starting to observe how they might respond differently. Each person should make an effort to understand why familiar arguments keep happening and figure out how to resolve them.

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Respect boundaries -

When boundaries are violated, both parties feel resentment. Parents must decide what sort of access adult children have to information and what level of support they are willing to accept.

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Respect boundaries -

Adult children must also decide what level of privacy and involvement they seek and accept from parents, particularly in the realms of career, relationships, lifestyle, and finance. Since boundaries change over time, check in on how comfortable both are with the distance and closeness.

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Show willingness to accept values and beliefs -

For instance, if an adult child is a vegetarian, accept it and include vegetarian-friendly meals when having them over. This shows that you listen and honor their values.

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Avoid getting defensive -

If a negative comment is made, avoid getting defensive. Instead, show empathy and ask questions like "I'm sorry you feel that way—do you want to share the reasons why?" Asking for what you need rather than saying what you don’t want is a positive way to deal with conflict.

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Apologize for your behavior -

When either side has done something to hurt or offend the other, even if it wasn't intentional, apologize.

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How to apologize -

If one party refuses to see the other, write a letter of amends that recognizes your role in violating their boundaries and your willingness to do better in the future.

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Make room for the significant others in their lives -

When grown children settle on a partner, it might be hard for the parent, as they will naturally put that person first. Accept the significant other by cultivating a friendship.

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Do what you love together -

When children grow up, the relationship might drift away, and a way to build it back up is to find a common activity. It can be putting a jigsaw puzzle together or going for a walk out in nature. In the end, the intimacy will follow when bonding together.

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Listen more -

Show support to each other by listening properly to concerns and wishes. This might be hard for parents who want to give advice and their opinions, but sometimes you have to bite your tongue.

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Change isn't easy -

All of these improvements require both parents and children to look at their relationships and do a lot of self-reflection. It might take a lot of work, and professional help might even be needed.

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Long-term happiness -

But if both parties are open to improving with constructive dialogue and support, long-term happiness will be guaranteed.

Sources: (Psychology Today) (Medium) (AARP)

See also: Signs you are in a toxic relationship 

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