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Questions to ask yourself -

If you’re wondering about opening your relationship, you’re not alone. The Google searches for open relationships have increased in recent years, but it will take a lot more introspection to figure out if you’re ready.

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Do I want an open relationship or polyamory? -

They’re both ethical non-monogamy, but they are still quite different. Polyamory is the practice of having an open but intimate relationship with more than one person at the same time, with the consent of everyone involved. These are usually emotionally-engaged, supportive, loving relationships shared with multiple people.

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Do I want an open relationship or polyamory? -

An open relationship, on the other hand, is usually built around one core couple who have the desire for multiple sexual partners.

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Am I ready to face my insecurities? -

This is a huge question that you should ask yourself many times. When your partner starts seeing other people, it’s inevitably going to unearth your biggest insecurities, and it’s something you should be prepared to face.

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What do I want to achieve by opening the relationship? -

Do you just want to liven things up between you and your partner? Do you think non-monogamy might be healthier for your connection? Are you just curious about other sexual partners? These are things you’ll want to figure out for yourself so that you can communicate them clearly to your partner.

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Is this a band-aid solution? -

Is there something fundamentally missing from your relationship, like feeling unloved or bored, that you’re seeking to fix by just seeking out other people? This is an all too common reason for opening the relationship that will most likely end in tears.

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Do I enjoy sex with my partner? -

Opening your relationship in order to fix an unhappy sex life is often compared to having a baby to fix an unhappy marriage. Plus, not having a satisfying sex life with your current partner likely means your foundation is too weak to survive opening the relationship.

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How jealous/territorial am I? -

It’s natural to feel a little jealousy, but in an ideal open relationship one should feel much more happiness than jealousy for their partner as they experience connection and pleasure with someone else. It takes a real, selfless kind of love.

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Can I separate sex from emotions? -

If you’re the type of person who doesn’t like having sex with someone without having real feelings for them, an open relationship is a recipe for disaster, and in fact polyamory might be the best route. You have to be extremely honest with yourself about whether you’re able to have sex with someone without falling for them.

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Is there a potential partner I have in mind already? -

Another tricky reason that people ask to open relationships is because they want to sleep with one specific person. That might be okay, as long as you’re willing to admit that to your partner and then hear about someone they might also have in mind.

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Am I a strong communicator? -

The only open relationships that thrive are based on a strong and healthy foundation of clear, non-violent understanding and honest communication. If you can’t genuinely say that you’re a good communicator, it’s best to avoid opening your relationship for now.

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How to ask your partner -

Being asked to open the relationship out of the blue can be a devastating blow to some, so it’s best to try to get their opinions and feelings about open relationships as a whole before even letting them know that you’ve been thinking about it. Timing is also key for when you bring this topic up, i.e. don’t do it too soon after an argument.

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Praise and reassure them -

The first thing to do is reassure your partner of your bond and your priority (which should be them, of course). Talk about what you appreciate about your relationship, and once they feel safe and secure, it will be much less emotional to bring up the idea of an open relationship.

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Use hypotheticals and a light tone -

Start by using the “what if” style of conversation. You move the conversation in the direction gently by talking about your curiosities or fantasies, and that will ultimately give you a sense of how they would feel about opening the relationship. You also don’t have to decide anything in the first conversation!

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Use “I” statements -

When your partner inevitably asks you why you want an open relationship, avoid starting your reasons with “You” and focus instead on “I want” statements. You should be starting this conversation because of your own wishes and not because you’re blaming the other for not fulfilling those wishes.

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Questions to ask your partner -

Once you’ve determined that you are actually emotionally ready enough for an open relationship, and you have approached your partner respectfully and lovingly, there are equally important questions that you need to ask to see if you’re on the same page after the initial agreement.

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Do we both want this equally? -

There is nothing worse than one partner just agreeing to an open relationship to please the other, then harboring resentment against them. Usually one partner will want it more, but if you can’t create an honest space between you to communicate needs, feelings, and boundaries, you should probably wait until you can before opening the relationship.

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Should one of us start first? -

If one is more hesitant about opening the relationship, it can be a huge help to let them go first in regards to seeking out another partner. It will decrease their fears and establish increased trust and generosity between you.

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Do we want it for the same reason? -

This is difficult to discuss but critical to the success of your open relationship. If one is just curious about sex with others, and the other is looking for a more permanent mode of intimacy, that could lead to immense problems down the road.

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How many details do we want to share? -

Perhaps your partner is turned on by the stories you have of your escapades with other people, but they might also not want to know any details at all.

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What frequency are we comfortable with? -

To eliminate all possibilities of competition and jealousy, as well as to establish how new partners will fit into your lives and schedules, it’s important to figure out how frequently you’re comfortable taking on new partners.

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Where is the line? -

An open relationship can be quite vague. Is it just sex? How many dates can you go on with the same person? What happens if feelings turn serious? These are best discussed before the issue arises.

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Who are we comfortable seeking out? -

Most people in open relationships decide that people the other person knows are completely off-limits, which is usually a good bet. But you can also set other limits to ensure that you’re both comfortable.

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Where can we sleep with others? -

Many open couples keep their home off-limits to protect their space. They might also put their favorite bars and restaurants off-limits to keep them sacred.

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When can we sleep with others? -

Maybe you set designated nights where you both go out so that no one is at home wondering about the other.

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Can we be honest about insecurities? -

Opening the communication for admitting that you are jealous or insecure is a very healthy approach, and it will allow you both to prepare to give each other reassurances when necessary. For example, if you tell your partner that hearing about them sleeping with someone else might make you feel less attractive, you can both establish ways in which your partner can reassure you they're attracted to you.

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How will you handle the outside partners’ feelings? -

First of all, you should always be open with any sexual partners about being in an open relationship, and secondly you have to remember they are real humans with real feelings. To skirt these problems, many open couples decide to only sleep with each outside partner once (and communicate that to those partners).

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What happens if our rules are broken? -

It's important to talk about whether you’re going to be lenient and evaluate things on a case-by-case basis, or if breaking a rule would immediately signal the end of the relationship for one of you.

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Are we willing to accept equal responsibility? -

This is another way of asking if you’re both willing to accept the risks that come with trying an open relationship, and acknowledging that the results may be unknown but that one won’t blame the other because it's a decision you're making together.

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Who might this impact, and how can we be careful? -

Many couples who are married with children decide to open their relationships, but they have to be very mindful not to let it impact their children, particularly if they’re young. This is also true for other family members and mutual friends. In some cases it might be best to let people know, and in others it might be something best kept between just you two.

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What support are we comfortable reaching out to? -

If you don’t have friends in similar situations who can help you both out, you should consider getting a sex-positive couple’s therapist to help moderate any potential issues.

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Will we be comfortable closing it again? -

Sometimes you don’t know if you’ll like an open relationship until you try, but one or both might not like it in the end. Establishing a safe and previously agreed upon way to close the relationship, should one party not enjoy it, is essential to protecting your relationship.

Sources: (Bolde) (PureWow) (Bustle) (MindBodyGreen)

See also: The celebrities don't believe in monogamy

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