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Signs you're emotionally unavailable -

Being emotionally unavailable means you're either uncomfortable or find it difficult to express emotions in healthy ways.

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You want to back out when commitment approaches -

We've all made plans that we've wanted to cancel last minute, but if you end up canceling plans with your partner more often than not, consider why you feel the need to avoid spending too much time together.

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You keep your options open -

Keeping options open may indicate your own emotional unavailability if you're engaging in these behaviors to avoid developing emotional bonds or risk being hurt.

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You worry about losing yourself in a relationship -

You might worry that getting close to a romantic partner will involve losing your independence. However, in a healthy relationship, partners balance individual needs with their romantic commitment. It simply may take some exploration to learn how to do this in a way that feels right for you.

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You struggle to trust -

If you're emotionally unavailable, you might struggle to trust your partner, even if they haven't done anything to suggest they can't be trusted.

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You keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people -

If you have a pattern of relationships with emotionally distant people, consider whether you're getting back what you're giving.

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You avoid intimacy -

You may fear intimacy, meaning sharing your innermost feelings and thoughts. Also, lack of physical affection or eye contact could also be indicators of emotional unavailability.

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Conversations stay surface level -

Emotionally unavailable people often struggle with deeper conversations about the relationship. Instead, they prefer to stick to more trivial or lighthearted topics.

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You have relationship anxiety -

Emotionally unavailable people tend to worry about their partners and the state and possible outcomes of their relationship, which are all forms of relationship anxiety.

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Relationships drain you and feel like a job -

Emotionally unavailable people tend to feel exhausted or burdened by the emotional conversations required of a healthy relationship.

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What causes emotional unavailability? -

A number of factors can contribute to emotional unavailability. And there can often be more than one cause.

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Attachment issues -

Often, people who are emotionally unavailable as adults struggled to get their emotional needs met as children. If your caregivers didn't show interest in your feelings or offer much affection and support, you may have absorbed this as a relationship model.

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Trauma -

Exposure to trauma, like neglect and abuse, during childhood makes it more difficult to trust that others will acknowledge and respect emotions and boundaries. This often leads to the development of an emotionally unavailable adult as a form of protection from further trauma or hurt.

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Breakup grief -

Experiencing relationship pain can make it tough to be vulnerable with a new partner. For example, you might be recovering from an unpleasant breakup, have experienced infidelity, or endured a toxic relationship.

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Mental health conditions -

Many people living with mental health conditions, such as depression, may have a hard time sustaining an emotional connection with their loved ones during a flare-up.

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Life circumstances -

Sometimes, life circumstances, such as a new job or a loss in the family, may make it challenging to be emotionally available.

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You avoid labeling things -

Emotionally unavailable people feel scared of committing to a romantic partner and taking things to the next level. For this reason, they often just casually date.

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How to not be emotionally unavailable -

Emotional unavailability doesn't have to be permanent. While it may feel daunting to turn it into emotional availability, it's possible to do just that.

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Become mindful of your emotional experiences -

Noticing what you're feeling, allowing emotions to show up, and accepting them without judgment are important steps in becoming emotionally available.

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Identify the causes of emotional unavailability -

While it can be difficult to pinpoint the exact causes of emotional unavailability, it's helpful if you can identify them. This allows for self-validation and reflection, which can make you more emotionally available.

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Practice opening up -

Once you're able to identify what you're feeling, try sharing this with others to demonstrate to yourself that opening up isn't dangerous.

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Talk to trusted people about emotions -

Having conversations with a parent or close friend about emotions may also help increase emotional availability. This makes talking about emotions more comfortable.

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Be kind to yourself -

Working on being emotionally available is a process that takes time and practice. Be kind and patient with yourself as you learn and grow.

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Involve your partner -

As you work on becoming more available, communicate with your partner about what you learn. You may have an easier time getting their support if they understand why you tend to pull away.

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Develop an understanding of toxic thinking patterns -

From telling yourself that you don't deserve to be loved, to believing that everybody will betray you, toxic thinking patterns will keep you emotionally unavailable. If you find yourself in negative self-talk mode, work to replace this with compassionate thoughts.

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Spend time with people in healthy relationships -

When emotional unavailability comes from attachment issues or unhealthy relationship patterns, it can help to be around people in healthy relationships. While you won't get the full picture, it can provide some useful insight.

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Take it slow -

Taking relationships slow is often the best thing you can do, as you'll learn that emotional vulnerability and intimacy are safe.

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Talk to a therapist -

You can't always work through things alone: a therapist can offer guidance and support. In therapy, you can work to identify potential causes, and take steps to break unhelpful relationship patterns.

Sources: (Healthline) (Verywell Mind) (PsychCentral) 

See also: Signs you're forcing a relationship

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