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"My psychiatrist says that I shouldn’t discuss it with strangers" -

A little eye twitch goes a long way with this bit!

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"It’s too early to tell" -

Squint your eyes and look suspiciously around as if you’re just waiting for someone to come and ruin your day—this works best around annoying colleagues or at family events.

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"Slowly but surely dying" -

We all are! What’s funnier than a little reminder of our imminent mortality, right? This one is wonderful at parties.

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"Maybe one day you’ll be lucky enough to find out" -

The small question they thought they were asking is now an enormous secret for privileged ears only.

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"My lawyer has stated that I don’t have to answer that question" -

The formality of this response is so hilariously jarring that you’ll leave them stunned before they erupt in laughter.

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"Good question..." -

Think about it for a moment and then even turn and walk away. Leave ‘em guessing.

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"What’s with the third degree? You a cop?" -

Best asked in the accent of an Italian mobster henchman.

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"Can’t complain—I’ve tried, but no one listens" -

You can also say it’s against company policy if you’re talking to a coworker.

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"The doctor said I would live" -

When they predictably shoot you a look of concern, let them know you just had a routine checkup and everything was fine.

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"How do you want me to be?" -

This one works best in a sexy tone, and it’s a great way to break the ice with a joke (or fire things up right away).

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"Great, but I am totally biased" -

This one’s sure to impress the brainier people, because we are, of course, all biased when we ourselves assess how we are.

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"How much are you willing to pay me if I tell you?" -

It’s pretty valuable information and you should be paid accordingly!

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"Word on the street is I’m doing amazing" -

Lean in as if you’re about to tell them some juicy gossip, and after you tell them you’re doing amazing, you can say, “But you shouldn’t believe everything you hear.”

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"Hmm, I had vowed to murder the next person who asked me that question" -

Then add, “But...I like you too much so I'll spare you.”

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"Who sent you?!" -

Look around suspiciously and squint your eyes at them for added effect.

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"It’s a secret" -

It’s childish, sure, but it’s also unexpected enough that it’s certain to get a laugh.

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"I will leave that up to your imagination" -

Give them a wink or some raised eyebrows to really leave them confused.

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"Okay so far, but there’s plenty of time for things to get worse" -

The juxtaposition of cynicism with a big smile on your face will surely get a laugh.

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"I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you" -

This is a fantastic answer for almost any question you don’t want to respond to.

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"Oh my god, you can see me?" -

You have a number of routes you can go here, but the stranger the explanation, the better, i.e. “I died last week and everyone’s been looking right through me…”

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"Amazingly and terrifically dead inside" -

Say it with a big smile on your face and they’ll never see the ending coming.

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"I can’t really complain, but I will still try" -

It’s the honesty around finding enjoyment in complaining that is definitely going to make the person giggle.

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"You go first. Then we can compare" -

Making the usual bland interaction into a kind of game with a hint of competition is a great way to put a refreshing spin on it.

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"Happy, and I know it (clap your hands)" -

This is a playful answer that is also best for people you’re not a fan of, as they will surely have ‘If you’re happy and you know it’ stuck in their heads all day!

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"Much better now that you're here" -

You’ll get more of a nervous giggle than a laugh at this one, but it still counts.

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"Overworked and underpaid" -

The real humor to this is tinged with the stinging truth—one which most people can relate to—but if we can’t collectively laugh about it, then what else do we have?

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"If I were any better, I'd be illegal" -

Because we all know that some of life’s most dazzling pleasures are usually illicit.

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"Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Socioeconomically? Financially?" -

Make them really consider what they’re so casually asking—there’s nothing like taking a simple question way too seriously.

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"Alright, what do you want?" -

This one is best to use with people you are comfortable with, whom you know are asking you as a way to start a conversation to ask for something.

Sources: (PairedLife) (StyleCraze) 

See also: Hilarious pickup lines that will at least get you a laugh

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