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'Nicknames' - Dan: "I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence."

Selina: "That's like trying to use a croissant as a dildo. It doesn't do the job and it makes a f---ing mess!"

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'Thanksgiving' - Jonah: "I'm like herpes! I'm an MRSA infection! You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan!" (Photo: CC BY 2.0)

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'The Vic Allen Dinner' - Selina to Jonah: "What are you laughing about, Jolly Green Jizzface?"

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'The Choice' - Selina to Mike, referring to Jonah: "You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?"

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'Camp David' - Selina talking about Minna Häkkinen: "How is it that that Asperger salad inserted herself into this situation?"

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'East Wing' - Selina to Gary: "Who do you think you are, Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you First Lady? Because I don't remember marrying you, Gary. I don't remember f---ing you in Niagara Falls. I think I'd remember that. You are unimportant. And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car-window Garfield. You think you're some sort of a big shot here? Oh my God, you are not a big shot, Gary. You are a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers."

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'A Woman First' - Uncle Jeff: "Shut the f--- up, you epileptic Picasso painting!"

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'Script' - Sue: "I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you. I wouldn't want you to become a fat, neurotic freak. Speaking as a friend."

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'Frozen Yoghurt' - Frozen yogurt shop owner: "And you, you gay Irish fireman... you're okay."

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'Andrew' - Ed: "You're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton but they didn't have time to add details like pigment or self respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if the monster was made entirely of dead d----."

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'Nev-AD-a' - Amy: "You are not Michael Jordan. You're a seven-foot-tall Lithuanian who's gonna drop dead of Marfan syndrome."

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'Mother' - Dan to Jonah: "The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order."

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'Morning After' - Amy: "Right now you're about as toxic as a urinal cake in Chernobyl."

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'Convention' - Amy to Selina: "You have two settings: no decision, and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the Fire Department standing by...You are the worst thing to happen to America since food in buckets, and maybe slavery."

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'Zit Attack' - Selina: "Catherine, why is that your hair?"

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'Midterms' - Mike to Jonah: "It was an accident, OK? Much like when Bigfoot got your mom pregnant, resulting in you."

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'Nicknames' - Staff members reciting Selina's nicknames: "Mammary Meyer, Grisly Madam, She-ra, Meyer the Liar, the Batcave, Wicked Witch of the West Wing, Veep Throat, Voldemeyer, D---less Van Dyke, Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder Woman, Selina Meh, VaSelina, Betty Poop, Goofy Smile, Vaguely Personable, Viagra Prohibitor, Visible Panties, V-PILF, Mrs. Doubtmeyer."

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'Debate' - Mike to Gary, about Selina's haircut: "It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy."

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'Signals' - Dan: "Nice wheels, Mike. This new?"

Mike: "Not quite. Like your mother, it's been previously loved and paid for by a couple of guys."

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'Morning After' - Selina about Catherine's documentary: "No, there's not gonna be a film. The only thing Catherine ever finished was an entire ice cream cake."

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'A Mother's Love' - Jonah: "Look who it is: it's your favorite Jonah."

Amy: "You're not even your mom's favorite Jonah, Jonah."

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'Congressional Ball' - Selina: "I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer."

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'Nicknames' - Mike: "Please stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes."

Sue: "I'm adding more clothes, Mike."

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'Catherine' - Mike: "I'm eating everyone's s---. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this."

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'Script' - Amy to Mike: "You are like an earlobe — you’re just there, just wobbling."

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'D.C.' - Selina to Jonah: "Jonah! Hey, listen, settle something for me: You like to have sex and you like to travel? Then you can f--- off."

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'The Eagle' - Selina: "Can I really blame another country for something they didn't do?"

Ben: "It's been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish-American War."

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'Congressional Ball' - Jonah: "It's my personality that has gotten us this far."

Uncle Jeff: "No, I am the one who got us this far, you sentient enema."

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'The Choice' -

Selina: "If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM."

See also: Hilarious Michael Scott quotes.

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