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Defining OCD -

Obsessive compulsive disorder is an anxiety-provoking mental health condition in which people are overwhelmed with unwanted thoughts or ideas (obsessions). This induces compulsive behaviors that provide some relief from the anxiety.

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What it looks like -

For example, a person with OCD who is having intrusive, repetitive thoughts about dying might feel compelled to perform repeated safety checks. They repeatedly confirm that the front door is locked and the oven is turned off. While they might be aware that their fears are unrealistic, they still feel the need to combat them with these behaviors.

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Unmanageable - We all experience intrusive thoughts or irrational fears at times, but for OCD to be diagnosed there needs to be a significant impact on your quality of life. Some people will spend an hour of the day or more dealing with their obsessions and struggle to achieve a reasonable quality of life.

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What is relationship OCD? -

Relationship OCD, or ROCD, is one way that OCD can manifest. Instead of focusing on things like germs or physical safety, romantic relationships become the obsession. Someone with relationship OCD will experience intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors relating to their romantic partner.

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Extreme doubts and fears -

They may be overwhelmed with fears that their partner doesn’t really love them or that the relationship won’t last. These fears lead them to carry out behaviors that bring them reassurance. This naturally causes a great deal of stress and strains the relationship.

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Types of ROCD -

Relationship OCD can present itself in two different ways. Some people will just experience one type, while others will experience a mix of both.

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Relationship-focused -

This kind of ROCD features worries about the relationship itself. The person will question whether or not their partner really loves them, whether they really love their partner, and if the relationship will last.

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Partner-focused -

This kind of ROCD focuses more on the romantic partner. Even though the person with OCD loves their partner, they continuously obsess over their characteristics and analyze their personality, intelligence, and appearance.

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Symptoms -

The main symptoms of relationship OCD are the various obsessions and compulsive behaviors surrounding the relationship. They vary from person to person, but the common factor is that they experience them in excess and struggle to manage them.

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Intrusive thoughts - Intrusive thoughts are one of the most common symptoms of any kind of OCD. According to the Mayo Clinic, they are defined as “Repeated, persistent and unwanted thoughts, urges or images that are intrusive and cause distress or anxiety.”

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Intrusive thoughts - Someone with ROCD will have frequent intrusive and distressing thoughts about their relationship or partner. They may be so overwhelming that it’s hard to focus on anything else.

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Questioning love -

They are likely to ruminate over whether or not their partner really loves them, as well as whether or not they really love their partner. A constant stream of memories, images, and imagined scenarios parades through the mind to push the worst-case scenario. The smallest detail can throw everything into question.

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Excessive concern -

A person with ROCD might exhibit excessive concern over their partner’s happiness or well-being. They constantly worry about whether or not they’re satisfied in the relationship, even when there’s no reason to think otherwise.

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Focusing on flaws - On the flip side, someone with ROCD might also have a tendency to analyze their partner's flaws. They worry about whether they’ve really found their best match and if they’re really in love with them. They obsess over their partner’s downfalls because these might serve as evidence that the relationship isn’t right.

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Search for reassurance -

In addition to all of this internal turmoil, someone with ROCD will seek out reassurance from their partner that they are still loved and in love, and that the relationship is strong.

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Comparison - They might also compare their relationship to the ones they see around them in order to feel reassured. This can involve questioning friends about their relationships.

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Research -

Even though they are looking for the impossible, i.e. a guarantee that they’re with the right person and will be forever, they will turn to the internet for comfort. This could mean reading articles about what a successful relationship looks like, or going on message boards.

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Creating rules -

They might also create rules in their heads for their partner. They decide that certain behaviors amount to a failure and serve as evidence that they aren’t loved or that the relationship isn’t worth it. For example, if their partner doesn’t text them within a certain time frame or give the 'correct' response.

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Diagnosis -

While many of us have exhibited some of these behaviors at one time or another, that doesn’t mean we have OCD. In order to be diagnosed with OCD or relationship OCD, the symptoms have to be disruptive to the degree that they inhibit your ability to function and perform your normal activities.

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What causes ROCD? - The causes of relationship OCD are not clearly known, but there are a number of factors that may have an influence. For example, changes in activity in certain areas of the brain, changes in serotonin levels, the loss of a loved one, a history of abuse or trauma, or sudden major life changes like moving or getting married.

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What causes ROCD? - Those who have an anxious attachment style may be at higher risk of ROCD. Low self-esteem and a history of toxic relationships can often lead to greater anxiety about relationships.

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How it affects relationships -

As you can imagine, ROCD takes a serious toll on the relationship in question. Someone who knows they have it may feel ashamed of their symptoms and avoid getting into a romantic relationship in the first place.

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Putting up walls -

They may try to hide their condition for fear of appearing undesirable or being rejected. It is especially difficult to open up to someone about such as disorder when the symptoms are focused on them. Naturally, it’s quite hard to hide, and the secrecy gets in the way of openness and intimacy in the relationship.

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Reassurance - The constant need for reassurance can lead to frustration on both sides. The person with ROCD is unlikely to receive the level of reassurance that they need, while the other partner may feel overwhelmed and perceive it as neediness.

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Intimacy issues - ROCD can also impact sexual intimacy in a relationship. The person might experience obsessions around cleanliness and contamination in sex, or have disturbing intrusive thoughts. Many people with OCD are sexually avoidant or dissatisfied.

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Recovery -

Relationship OCD is an extremely difficult and distressing condition, but once it’s recognized and diagnosed, there are treatments available that can help in the recovery and allow someone with ROCD to enjoy happy, healthy relationships.

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Treatment -

Just like OCD, ROCD is most commonly treated with psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of the two.

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Therapy -

In psychotherapy, the most common form of treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy. This kind of therapy teaches you to recognize, understand, and alter negative thought patterns and behaviors.

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ERP -

Another approach is exposure response prevention therapy (ERP), in which you voluntarily expose yourself to the source of your fear. It might involve a therapy session where you open up to your partner about your condition and the thoughts you have.

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Medication -

A selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) is usually prescribed for the treatment of OCD, as well as many other conditions that cause anxiety or depression. However, medications cannot replace therapy.

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The last word -

The treatment plan should always be guided by a doctor or therapist, and ideally involve the support of loved ones. Family members and the romantic partner in question can all provide better assistance when they’re educated on ROCD. Joining a support group can also serve as a much-needed reminder that you are not alone.

Sources: (Healthline) (Verywell Mind) (Made of Millions Foundation) 

See also: Recognizing ‘Cluster C’ personality disorders

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