© Shutterstock

What closure looks like in popular culture: - Getting rid of someone's things (in whatever manner) to remove physical reminders, writing a goodbye letter,  scattering ashes, finding forgiveness in your heart, getting answers, and so forth.

© Shutterstock

Why we want it - From a young age, we’re trained to look for happy endings in tough stories. Though life is far from clean-cut, people generally seek out finality, as well as a foreseeable end to pain.

© BrunoPress

It’s on you - There’s a common belief, too, that you are the only person who can give yourself closure. The person who experienced loss is thereby offered an illusion of control in a situation where control doesn't really exist.

© Shutterstock

Finding answers - According to Mariana Bockarova, PhD, in Psychology Today, closure in breakups is about finding answers. Through closure, "we can restructure our past, present, and future in a healthy way, through understanding what went wrong and reconfiguring our story accordingly."

© Shutterstock

But answers don’t end pain -

Even the truest reason for a breakup is painful, and it could be even more traumatizing depending on what the reason is.

© Shutterstock

The problem of "ending" pain - Psychologists say that searching for permanent closure to emotional pain closes ourselves off to healthier ways of processing grief and sadness. 

© Shutterstock

From processing images to processing experience -

Closure reportedly stems from Gestalt psychology, which began as a way of understanding how the mind perceives and processes images. One of the main Gestalt principles is that the mind seeks closure, so if an image of a circle is incomplete, the mind still perceives it as a circle.

Over time, this principle crossed over to how we process life experiences. It was believed that unsolved trauma from the past needed to be resolved, or "closed," in order to properly process it and move on.

© Shutterstock

Therapeutic techniques were born - "The empty chair," for example, is a therapeutic technique in which participants would imagine the source of their unresolved trauma, be it an abusive parent or deceased lover, sitting in the chair and they would speak to them.

© Shutterstock

Only temporary release - While the empty chair technique often provided a short-term emotional release, the long-term pain remained. 

© Shutterstock

Embedded in the happy ending narrative - Though Gestalt's methods were never certain, the idea of closure was quickly snapped up by popular culture, as well as pop psychology.

© BrunoPress

It's admittedly entertaining to watch - Think of all those daytime talk shows where scorned lovers are brought on stage to confront their lousy exes, or estranged family members are reunited to sort through their past. It's addictive! 

© Getty Images

The truth? - Psychotherapist Ashley Davis Bush, author of 'Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss,' argues that pop psychology's brand of closure isn't actually achievable, and that it's really not productive. 

© Shutterstock

The thing about pain - The idea that we can completely end emotional pain is false. You can ease it, you can learn how to cope better, you can temporarily forget about it, but as Bush says, "In reality, it's not that the pain ends, but it changes over time."

© Shutterstock

Don’t close the door on positive growth - An essential part of life is experiencing the full range of sadness and pain. These honest emotions are necessary in feeling the full range of joy and happiness.

© Shutterstock

The idea of closure can actually be harmful - Clinical social worker Bob Livingstone writes that the pressure to achieve closure, and its inevitable failure in the long run, can worsen the feeling of loss. Moreover, repressing your emotions is dangerous and unsustainable.  

© Shutterstock

Changing how we approach traumatic loss - When Bush sees clients who are grieving a lost loved one, instead of "closure" she uses terms like "healing" and "growth." Through that avenue, she's helped surviving spouses learn how to carry their precious memories in a positive way.

© Shutterstock

"Living with the love" - Bush encourages clients to keep the memories, instead of getting rid of them, but also emphasizes that you must learn how to let the memories fortify you instead of weigh you down.

© Shutterstock

Our rituals of death must be unpacked - Sociologist Nancy Berns argues that the popularity of the idea of closure among loss specifically is largely embedded in the commercial interests of funeral home directors and wrongful death attorneys who offer the appealing emotional state to their clients.

© Shutterstock

Stuck in the past? -

Many people worry about being stuck in the past, and your friends and family will likely advise you against it, but deciding against "closure," Bush says, is actually the best way to move forward.

© Shutterstock

Moving forward - Remaining emotionally alive, feeling all your feelings, however painful it may seem, has actually allowed Bush’s clients to fall in love again after intense grief, without sacrificing deep feelings of loyalty to their deceased partners.

© Shutterstock

Some elements of closure in relationships exist - From signing divorce papers to moving out of the apartment you shared, there are concrete ways of establishing some sort of finality.

© Shutterstock

Emotionally, however, things get more complicated - Our past relationships and experiences are always with us, no matter how hard we try to get rid of them. A more productive way to deal with them than ignoring them is to honor them, and extract wisdom from them.

© Shutterstock

Re-imagine closure - Instead of thinking about the end of a relationship as a closing door or an ending chapter, imagine it as a new leg of your journey. Your baggage can either be a huge, heavy suitcase you have to drag behind you, or a lightened load that's easy to carry—and useful too. 

© Shutterstock

Emotional baggage is the real focus - Research has shown that writing, while not the end-all to feelings, actually does lighten emotional baggage and helps you put it to good use. 

© Shutterstock

Journaling - Researchers asked 100 people who had recently experienced a breakup to journal for 30 minutes a day for three days straight. A portion of participants were told to write only about the positive parts and how they’ve grown because of it…

© Shutterstock

You can guess the results -

After the writing exercise, the selected group writing positively reported no increase in negative emotions, along with a boost of positive outcomes including confidence, empowerment, comfort, optimism, gratitude, and wisdom.

© Shutterstock

So that scathing letter might not be a good idea - It feels great to get those loud, angry thoughts out of your head and onto paper, but focusing on the negative won’t help you. And definitely don’t send that letter.

© Shutterstock

It's time to close the door on closure -

While closure is widely considered possible, desirable, and necessary, many experts believe it’s none of those things. 

See also: How to optimize your break-up

© Shutterstock