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The three categories of attachment -

There are three different forms of attachment regarding relationships according to attachment theory. These are secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment.

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Relevant for repeat offenders -

Although we don’t stay the same throughout our lives and relationships, these attachment categories are very relevant if someone is the same in every relationship or if their behavior changes throughout relationships.

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Only half of us are securely attached -

The psychological community consensus is that only 50% of people are considered to have a secure attachment style. But what about the rest of us?

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The other half -

Anxious (20%) and avoidant styles (25%) of attachment make up the rest of the population. Another 3-5% of the population can be understood as being combinations such as secure-anxious or anxious-avoidant.

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Childhood and upbringing -

It’s known that people end up in the attachment camps that they’re in based on their past relationships and, most significantly, on how their caregivers treated them in infancy.

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Avoidant attachment -

If a child’s pain is ignored by an unavailable adult and they're encouraged to be independent too early, they will do precisely that. The child learns that nobody is there for them, which they carry into adulthood.

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Anxious attachment -

Suppose a child’s parents are inconsistent in their child’s upbringing during their early formative years, nurturing and caring sometimes but intrusive and insensitive at others. In that case, the child will become confused, insecure, and not know what to expect. They will become distrustful and suspicious of the parent but also clingy and desperate.

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The big question -

Being in either of these two camps creates all sorts of issues later in life when in adult relationships. It begs the question: can we change it?

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It takes effort and attention -

Indeed, we can change to become more or less secure in relationships through our experiences and conscious effort.

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The most effective tool -

Therapy is highly advised for people looking to achieve a secure attachment style, and so is seeking relationships with people capable of secure attachment.

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Anxious attached with avoidant attached -

Simply put, the anxiously attached individual will feel more at ease in a relationship with someone who’s securely attached, as someone with an avoidant attachment style will make them feel more insecure.

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A strange fact -

A less favorable fact is that anxious attached and avoidant attached people are more likely to be attracted to each other.

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A Freudian perspective -

In a Freudian sense, it’s logical. The anxiously attached person sees their primary caregiver in the avoidant person, who often ignores them, is unpredictable, and becomes withdrawn.

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How they can become more secure -

There are things that we can do to rewire our brains, thanks to neuroplasticity. The anxiously attached individuals need to be more responsible to themselves, and the avoidant attached individuals need to be more responsive to their partners. 

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Anxious attachment and not rushing in -

The anxious attached partner can move into being more securely attached by not rushing into relationships.

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Anxious attachment and not rushing in -

This will give the anxiously attached partner time to get to know the person and consider whether they are the kind of individual who will be good for them and make them feel at ease.

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Anxious attachment and emotional regulation -

Emotional regulation is critical for the anxiously attached partner. Having the emotional intelligence to stop being reactive to their initial emotions means that they don't need to act on their instincts.

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Anxious attachment and taking care of their own needs -

Another step for the anxiously attached partner to become more securely attached, keeping in mind that they will often put their partner’s needs over their own, is to increase their self-esteem.

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Anxious attachment and self-worth -

Many steps can help with raising self-esteem. Some straightforward ways are learning a new skill, treating yourself well, and exercising.

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Anxious attachment and considering the avoidant partners needs -

The anxious partner must also work to realize that their partner might just need some space from time to time without feeling rejected.

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Avoidant attachment and assertiveness -

For the avoidant attached individual, they need to be more aware of their emotions. Learning to be assertive in identifying their emotional needs, honoring them, and expressing them are goals in becoming securely attached.

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Avoidant attachment and communication -

Open communication is a must for the avoidant attached individual seeking to be more securely attached. At the core of the avoidant attached person is the fear of strong emotions and being out of control.

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Avoidant attachment and communication -

For example, the avoidant partner expressing that they need space can avoid an argument a little further down the line.

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Avoidant attachment and personal space -

The avoidant attached person needs to accept their need for personal space. They can become stifled by social events and having to serve other people’s needs while being reluctant to speak of their own needs.

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Avoidant attachment and their anxious attached partner's needs -

The avoidant attached partner will benefit by communicating to their partner calmly and clearly about how they cope by shutting down from time to time. Practicing physical touch can be an effective way of helping avoidant partners lean more into their relationships.

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It's not black and white -

Rather than seeing either of these attachment styles (avoidant and anxious) as an innate issue, people should reframe it as a part of themselves. It’s not a problem–it's just something that has to be managed.

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Rome wasn't built in a day -

As with the most desirable things in life, becoming securely attached in a relationship won’t come easy for many people. It is not something that happens overnight. It can take a lot of sustained effort.

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Therapy -

In seeking to understand ourselves and work out ways to manage our behaviors that cause problems in relationships, some practical steps can help tremendously. Therapy is very effective in developing strategies and building self-awareness.

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Other routes -

Other people prefer meditation, journaling, reading self-help books, or speaking with friends or family.

Sources: (PsychCentral) (Verywell Mind) (Greater Good) (Verywell Mind) (Curious)

See also: Signs of financial abuse in a relationship

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