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Acceptance -

Self-forgiveness is not just letting yourself off the hook or taking the easy way out. It’s about acceptance.

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Avoiding rumination -

It’s about accepting what’s happened in the past, being willing to move past it, and not ruining your life by ruminating on it.

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The four Rs of self-forgiveness -

One framework surrounding the practice of self-forgiveness is the four Rs. These are responsibility, remorse, restoration, and renewal.

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Responsibility -

Accepting responsibility means that you come to accept what’s happened and begin to feel compassion for yourself.

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The first step is often the hardest -

Accepting what you have done or what has happened is the first step, and often the hardest.

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Coming to terms with what has happened -

It means that you must come to terms without making excuses, rationalizing, or justifying your actions to make them seem acceptable.

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Remorse -

As a result of taking responsibility, you may begin to feel a range of negative emotions. Common ones are guilt and shame.

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Learning from our mistakes -

These feelings are what will springboard you into becoming a better person. Learning from your mistakes allows you to avoid making the same ones again.

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Restore and repair -

The next stage of self-forgiveness aims to repair and restore trust. Making amends is an important part. It makes it easier to forgive yourself after another person has forgiven you.

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Apologies -

To move past the guilt, apologies are called for. Not only is it usually the best thing to hear for the person who has been wronged, but it is also comforting to know that you tried.

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Renewal -

The next stage focuses on renewal. This often requires the ability to learn from the experience to be able to move on from it.

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Understanding the fault -

This requires an understanding of why you did what you did and how you can take steps to not let it happen again in the future.

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Categorizing can help -

There are other useful and more specific steps that you can take to practice self-forgiveness outside of the four Rs, too. One of them is categorizing your offense. 

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Breaking it down -

Categorizing your offense means breaking down exactly what you did wrong. This means getting specific. It may be useful to put pen to paper.

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Talk it out -

Another is articulating exactly how you feel about it with someone. Speaking to other people is one of the most useful things we can do when it comes to our feelings.

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Words help us understand -

Until we can articulate how we feel, we will have a weak grasp on it. We think in words as human beings. If we don’t have words for our feelings, they remain clouds of negative thoughts rather than specific ones like “guilt,” which can be addressed.

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Know what you want to happen -

Understanding what you want allows you to know when you’ve gone as far as you can go with the process. By doing this, you may be able to come to terms with someone never forgiving you.

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Pause and breathe -

Hitting the stop button can be useful. It’s of no benefit to anyone to replay the offense over and over in your head. It just causes more hurt, and doesn’t change anything other than make you feel worse.

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Feeling bad for a long time doesn't help anyone -

This is one of the main reasons why self-forgiveness is so important. We instinctively know that feeling bad about something doesn’t make the person who was hurt by us feel better.

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Gratitude -

Try to replace guilt with gratitude. Give thanks for the things you have in your life and the relationships that are going well.

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If you're not in the wrong, don't apologize -

It should be mentioned that there are a lot of cases where someone hasn’t done anything wrong and might be trying to take unfair blame for something.

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Our past can make us susceptible to guilt and shame -

People who have suffered abuse, for example, may feel shame or guilt although they haven’t done anything wrong.

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Positive associations with self-forgiveness -

For those who have done something wrong, practicing self-forgiveness has been proven to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. Similarly, it’s also associated with success, productivity, and concentration.

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Some people are prone to rumination -

However, it should be acknowledged that some people are more prone to rumination, which makes the process more of an uphill battle.

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You need to want to forgive yourself -

Also, like with any form of change, people need to be willing and ready to forgive themselves. People also tend to engage in a sort of pseudo self-forgiveness by overlooking the issue and making excuses for it.

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You may feel worse before you feel better -

The process of self-forgiveness can be as hurtful a process as the guilt, shame, and sorrow that it attempts to banish.

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A messy and individual process -

Despite these tips, learning to forgive yourself won't fit into a one-size-fits-all approach. It’s a messy process, and steps may have to be revisited.

Sources: (Verywell Mind) (Prevention.com)

See also: Everyday things you didn’t realize are harming your mental health

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