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Talking about trauma -

Talking about trauma is never easy, let alone with our children. Many parents fear that talking about negative experiences with their kids will only make things worse.

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Avoidance tactics -

It is for that reason that many parents are reluctant to discuss traumatic experiences with their children, sometimes to the point that they ignore them altogether.

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The reality -

Of course, parenting is never easy and parents cannot be simply blamed for getting it wrong. Research does show, however, that it is important to be open with kids about difficult emotions.

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Emotion coaching -

Talking about trauma and practicing so-called ‘emotion coaching’ has been shown to shape a child’s memory of a traumatic event and influence their response to future upset.

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Think about it -

In fact, if you think about the way you respond to a traumatic event now as an adult, it probably has its roots in internalized conversations you had with your parents as a child.

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Spongy -

The premise of emotion coaching is that kids are like sponges; they easily soak up the things their parents and other adults around them say.

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Easily influenced -

Their reaction and ability to recover from trauma is therefore heavily influenced by the way that the grown-ups react to the event, and in particular the things they say.

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Specific phrases -

In fact, studies have shown that there are specific things we can say to help children learn empathy and understand how to regulate their emotions.

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Eager to learn? -

Wondering how to practice emotion coaching and give your child the best chance of developing a healthy way to process negative emotions? You’re in luck! This gallery will walk you through some of the basic phrases you can use to practice emotion coaching and teach your children to handle their emotions in a healthy way.

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“It’s okay to be upset” -

First up on the agenda of emotion coaching is to teach your child that it’s okay to be upset; that emotions are meant to be felt.

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“It’s okay to be upset” -

By letting your child know that any emotion they are experiencing is OK, you validate their emotion and let them know that emotions are not to be feared or avoided.

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“I hear you, I’m here for you, and I’ll stay with you” -

Arguably the best thing we can do for another person who is highly emotional is to stay with them in that emotion; to “hold” the emotion with them.

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“I hear you, I’m here for you, and I’ll stay with you” -

With this sentence you let your child know that you will not abandon them just because they are experiencing a strong negative emotion.

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“It’s okay to feel how you feel. It’s not okay to…” -

It is very important to draw a clear line between what your child is feeling and how they express that emotion. This will teach them to separate their emotions from their behavior.

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“It’s okay to feel how you feel. It’s not okay to…” - Try a sentence such as, “You look like you are really, really angry. It's okay to be angry. It is not okay to hit. I will not let you hit. Let’s go over here together and you can be angry.”

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“How you are feeling now won’t last forever” - Children don’t have the same sense of perspective as adults, and sometimes emotions can be so overwhelming that it feels like their world is ending.

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“How you are feeling now won’t last forever” -

A simple reminder that emotions are transitory may help to ease the intensity of the negative emotion. It might help you to handle the situation, too!

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“Let’s pause for a moment” -

Sitting with emotions and letting ourselves feel them is uncomfortable. It is a very important step, however, if we want to process our emotions properly.

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“Let’s pause for a moment” -

Encouraging your child to take a moment, sit with their emotions, and perhaps even describe them, will teach them that experiencing an emotion helps us to let it go.

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“You are good and kind” -

It is important to teach children at a young age that being frustrated or angry is not bad, but that sometimes it can mean we make poor choices.

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“You are good and kind” -

Remind your child that the bad choice they made while upset is not who they are, as this will help them better understand themselves as well as others.

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“I’ll be over here when you need me” -

Sometimes children escalate their emotions for attention, which can be a signal that they need some one-on-one time with you.

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“I’ll be over here when you need me” -

The time for that one-on-one is not while they are escalating, however. It is better to give your child the chance to regulate themselves and let them know you’re there for them when things are calmer.

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“Let’s have a do-over” -

In certain situations (not when someone is deeply upset) it can be appropriate to suggest a ‘do-over,’ i.e. take the chance to reset and try things again after an upset.

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“Let’s have a do-over” -

There are many situations in everyday life that we tend to let get under our skin, and often an effective way to deal with them is to wipe the slate and start again.

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“What can we learn from this?” -

The fact that there is always something to learn from a negative emotion is something that adults often forget, but it couldn’t be more true.

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“What can we learn from this?” -

Our negative emotions might teach us, for example, that we handled a situation wrong or that we haven’t acted in the right way and need to apologize. Remind your kids of this.

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“You’ll remember next time” - This is a very powerful phrase when talking to children. It teaches them that their failure isn’t permanent and that they are capable of change.

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“You’ll remember next time” -

Sentences like “You’ll remember next time to use your words” help to resolve their current feelings and give them something positive to focus on for the future.

Sources: (BBC) (Nurture and Thrive)

See also: How to improve the relationship between parents and adult children

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