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What does it mean? -

Limerence is broadly characterized by an initial period of intense emotional arousal that progresses involuntarily to an obsessive craving for another person. It’s a state of infatuation that is all-consuming, and that is scarily close to common concepts of love.

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Where did the term originate? -

Limerence as both a mental state and a relationship to another person was first defined by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book ‘Love and Limerence,’ a result of her study of romantic love.

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The defining features -

Through interviews and questionnaires, Tennov noted consistent traits among people who described their experiences of being in love—which explains why limerence is so easily mistaken for love. She created the term limerence to classify this common love-adjacent experience, and in the following slides are a summary of the defining features.

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Intrusive thoughts -

A big characteristic is having frequent intrusive thoughts about the limerent object (LO). You can’t stop thinking about the moments you share, no matter how insignificant, and you involuntarily obsess over your interactions with them and your hopes and fantasies surrounding them.

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Need for reciprocation -

There is a persistent yearning that starts right from the beginning where you feel an acute need for reciprocation of your strong feelings, and when you don’t get it you feel an almost physical heartache.

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Emotional dependence -

If you're obsessing over what they're feeling, and are yourself feeling elated if it's positive towards you or devastated if it's indifferent, that is a strong sign of limerence. Your mood depends on their actions, and when it's good it feels amazing, but when it's bad it's downright painful.

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One at a time -

Another quality of limerence is that it only happens with one person at a time, which can be especially painful if it happens where either the limerent object is in a relationship.

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Frequent fantasies -

The emotions are intense right from the start, and your mind begins creating fantasies to feed them. The fantasies become a place where you can feel a bit of relief while waiting for reciprocation, but they’re also surrounding what this LO represents for you instead of who they actually are.

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Desperately seeking validation -

Limerence makes you hungry for any slice of approval you can get from the LO, and if they don’t like your photo or like the restaurant you picked or a song you played, you might feel devastated.

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Nervous response to their presence -

Being around the LO makes you very shy and nervous, resulting in a physical response of things like sweating, stammering, increased heart rate, and so forth.

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Increased feelings through adversity -

Even if you and the LO are in constant fights, the feelings only get stronger because limerence is rooted in possession and obsession, so the fear of losing them makes you cling on harder. Couples' therapist Silva Depanian told MBG that in a limerent relationship you want them regardless of whether or not they're actually good for you.

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Ignoring other aspects of your life -

You stop seeing your friends as often, you start falling behind at work, you neglect your hobbies—everything is eclipsed by the intensity of your feelings for the LO.

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Seeing only the good -

Love can be blind, but not as blind as limerence. With limerence comes an incredible ability to ignore or minimize the negative parts of an LO and instead handpick the positive parts and inflate them to a completely unrealistic degree.

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How is it different from a crush? -

Young people experience a period of over-romanticizing others as they discover their sexual identity, and adults can have crushes, too. But the difference is that crushes come and go without leaving a lasting psychological impact on you, whereas limerent obsession involuntarily consumes you.

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Why it’s hard to differentiate from love -

Mutual limerence sounds a lot like the sweetest descriptions of love, but limerence is intoxicating whereas real love is more steadying.

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Intoxicating -

The excitement and thrills you get from being so dependent on small cues and signs from the LO are not just emotionally intoxicating but also physically flushing your body with hormones that can make you feel so high that when it's gone you feel its painful absence.

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Addiction -

The sensation overload of limerence, the drastic highs and terrible lows, are enough to make you veritably addicted to your LO.

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Limerent habits -

You could be in a meeting you care about or hanging out with friends, but you're only excited to have a moment alone to fantasize about them. Or you're specifically taking the long route home so that you can have the possibility of running into them. These habits start to take over your life.

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Dangers -

As with any addictive stimulant, after a while the high can devolve into a habit, and then a craving, and then a real roadblock to the path of health, happiness, and fulfillment.

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Phase one: Infatuation -

In the first phase of limerence, which is often separated into three phases, you experience that proverbial "spark." It's an intense emotional arousal—you're flooded with chemicals that heighten your feelings—and you feel nervous around them while also fantasizing about them. You'll also tend to bend however you need in order to fit into their world and interests.

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Phase two: Crystallization -

If the LO flirts back or indicates any reciprocation of feelings, it's game on. Limerence will then drive you to do whatever it takes to package yourself into something they'll like. You obsess over how they feel about you and seek affection at all costs.

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Phase three: Deterioration -

Because you've failed to follow the stages of a relationship where you build mutual understanding and trust, and because you've entered into a relationship with the idea of someone instead of acknowledging who they really are, it will naturally fall apart. It usually ends with crushing disappointment and frustration as the illusion fades away.

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Limerence lacks real love -

It’s specifically different because you’re not seeing the LO for their complex personhood, rather they’re swathed in your own hopes and dreams. Obsession and codependency are not the foundation upon which a healthy relationship can be built.

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Typical LOs -

Most often, limerence is noticeable because it develops for somebody inappropriate—when feelings aren’t fully requited, when they are not good for you, when they're unavailable, etc. Your friends might try to let you know, but if you're in phases one or two you won't even hear them.

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How to get rid of limerence -

It’s not easy, but you can turn down the intensity by forcing yourself to cut off contact. Block them on social media, delete their number, don’t try to be “just friends.” As for intrusive thoughts, make a list of three things that make you feel good and every time you think of them you can rewire your mental pathways by redirecting your focus.

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Be realistic in your self-narrative -

Oftentimes you’ll just think of the good when you think of your LO, but write down and keep handy a list of bad feelings you had around them when you didn’t have their reciprocation. Rigorously remind yourself of their flaws, and level out the good memories with the bad.

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It’s not always the end -

When Tennov was conducting her research, she noted limerence had problematic beginnings, but also that some couples still had the potential to healthily bond with each other afterwards. You can try being open about your concerns with limerent feelings with your LO, and if they’re a good person who cares about you it's possible to turn your passionate love into compassionate love.

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Take a hard look at yourself -

"Underneath limerence is a fear of being with yourself and making a good enough loving relationship with yourself," psychosexual therapist and couples’ counselor Cate Mackenzie told Brides. It could be a result of childhood development issues, an avoidant tendency, or an inability to create a secure self-attachment.

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Establish a loving relationship with yourself -

Be accountable for your own self-love. Go to therapy, exercise, eat well, invest in good friendships, get enough rest, and stop negative self-talk and behaviors that fuel obsessive thinking.

Sources: (Brides) (mindbodygreen) (Living with Limerence)

See also: The science behind falling in love

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