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It’s a major issue -

In the US, about 33% of male and female adolescents are victims of teen dating violence. That’s approximately one in three teens. Intimate partner violence is the most prevalent type of youth violence, regardless of gender, race, socioeconomic class, or sexual orientation.

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What does it include? -

When we talk about dating violence or IPV, it involves any kind of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner.

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Stalking is included -

Stalking is also a very common type of teen dating violence—made ever easier by social media use. Approximately 13% of 6th to 9th graders in 13 Midwest schools reported being stalked, with equal proportions of boys and girls affected, according to the Center for Violence Prevention at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, and the number only increases in college.

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Transferring STDs -

While giving someone an STD counts as sexual abuse in itself, teen girls subject to abuse are reportedly six times more likely to contract an STD or STI.

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Long-term effects -

Teens who suffer from dating abuse often end up struggling with depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, violent episodes, and more as a result of the trauma. Of the young adults who experience physical or sexual abuse, around 50% attempt suicide.

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One of the biggest problems -

While of course the issue at hand is the violence itself, there are only so many ways you can protect teens. The bigger problem adults can tackle is the fact that only a third of teens in an abusive relationship could confide in someone about the abuse.

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It feels taboo - Most teens hesitate to seek help since they don’t want to expose themselves and there’s so much shame around the topic of abuse. But that’s where you can help.

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Opening the conversation -

Before any detection of dating violence even occurs, and before they even begin dating, you can open the dialogue by talking openly about consent, respect, and boundaries.

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Knowing who’s at higher risk -

There are various factors that can increase the risk for IPV perpetration among teens, which includes a history of abuse either from partners or in the home, history of alcohol or drug use by either partner, the experience of trauma, and knowing others who were involved in dating violence.

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Make sure they know what abuse can look like -

Some teens don’t know how to identify abuse, which makes them more susceptible to it. It can include using harmful language, physical violence, or digital technology to control, pressure, or threaten someone.

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Ask if they have recognized abuse -

Ask if they have seen a couple act in a way that worried them, if they’ve ever been in a situation like that, and what they would do if they ever felt uncomfortable, controlled, pressured, or threatened.

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Establish digital safety -

In the age of social media, it can be easier than ever to cyber bully or stalk people, which is why it’s so important to go over privacy settings and safety measures with teens. Ask them their process of deciding who are “friends” and “followers,” and ask them if they share their location, phone number, etc.

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Textual harassment -

Oftentimes the controlling emotional abuse begins where you can’t see it: in their phones. Wanting to know where they are all the time, who they’re with, what they’re wearing, or getting mad when they’re not responsive are things you can teach teens are not acceptable or demonstrative of respect.

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Unromanticize the red flags of abuse -

Media can and has romanticized things like intense jealousy, passionate fighting, and love bombing (excessive displays of affection too early in a relationship), which have all actually been identified as early signs of an abusive relationship.

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Sending photos -

Sexting and sending naked photos have become far too common among teens, and the consequences include having their photos shared online as revenge or to brag—not to mention the possible criminal charges. Ask teens how they would handle the situation if someone asked them for naked photos, or what they would do if they received one, and remind them it’s never okay to pressure someone into sending photos or to share them with others.

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Ask their own opinions on dating -

When they get into middle school and high school, ask them what qualities are important to them in a partner, what they think makes a relationship good or bad, and what does respect look like in a relationship.

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Talk about healthy relationships -

Most people just figure out relationships for themselves instead of talking about what healthy relationships look like: there should be safety, trust, support, individuality, equality, and communication. Many adults are still figuring that out!

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Start early -

Some parents don’t want to talk to their kids about dating because they don’t want their kids to grow up too fast, but it’s better for kids to be educated earlier on concepts like respect and boundaries. Plus, they’ll likely be interested in dating before their parents are ready to accept it.

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Teach them how to set boundaries -

Boundaries are communicating how you want to be treated and expressing when the line has been crossed. Boundaries should be set from a young age with friends, classmates (online and offline), and family as important practice, long before teens enter the dating world.

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Ask what their boundaries are -

Take things one step further and ask what are some examples of things that cross their boundaries, and what they say and do to communicate them. Let them set boundaries with you, like making you knock and ask permission before entering their room, for example.

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Define consent clearly -

Most teens don’t know, for example, that consent is not the absence of a "no"—enthusiastic consent means looking for the presence of a “yes.” They should feel no shame in saying no, and they should equally be asking for consent themselves.

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Build up their self-esteem -

Oftentimes the pattern of abuse stems from or results in a lack of self-respect, deluding someone into believing they somehow deserve abuse. It’s so important to instill in teens that they are worthy and entitled to respect, and that they should trust their instincts when it comes to prioritizing their own safety.

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Don’t blame them -

If you teach them how to build healthy relationships but they still end up in an abusive one, it’s important to remember that someone can take all of the "right" measures and still become a victim of abuse—the fault is on the abuser, not the victim.

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Don’t pressure them either -

If they do confide in you about violence, don’t demand they report the violence to authorities or do so on their behalf because you will lose their trust and they will lose the last shred of control they felt they had. Instead, let them know the decision is theirs and give them all the contact and next step information, as well as your unconditional support.

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Pay attention to them -

Without suffocating them under surveillance, keep an eye out for changes in their behavior or mood. If their grades start dropping, their activities change, they stop hanging out with their friends, they’re always on the phone, or they seem depressed or anxious, these can all indicate that they’re experiencing dating abuse.

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Heal your own wounds -

Kids learn by example, and the fact is that many adults have a lot of healing and learning left to do around their own relationships and self-respect. You can help your teens by embodying the model of healthy relationships that you want for them.

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Get help -

If your teen won’t open up to you, or you’re not ready to have these conversations, it’s important that you ensure they have a trusted role model, or even a counsellor or community leader to talk to. Even if they can open up to you, if they are, for example, LGBTQ+ it may help to have someone who can relate more closely.

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Pick the right times -

Instead of scheduling a sit-down, many teens feel more comfortable having these conversations with reduced eye contact (like on a drive or walk, or messenger app), which makes it easier for them to open up. You could also watch a show like ‘Sex Education’ or ‘Maid’ together to open up the conversation.

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Make it an ongoing conversation -

All that we’ve mentioned is not meant to be delivered in one big talk! Instead, this should be an ongoing dialogue that starts when they’re preteens and matures along with them into the more complex topics. It will also keep the door open for them if they ever want to talk about something later.

See also: Signs you are being gaslighted, and how to deal with it

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