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"You're so strong, you'll get through this." -

It might seem polite to refer to a person's strength, and praise it, if you're searching for something to say to someone who's grieving.

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"You're so strong, you'll get through this." -

However, it implies being "weak" is bad, which is how that person might actually feel inside. People don't want to feel like a burden to others, and it could lead them to hide their emotions or suppress them.

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What to say instead -

Let the person know you're there to support them, and that they don't have to be strong right now or fight their intense emotions.

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"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." -

It's a really popular saying, sure, but it's not the right moment to mention it when someone is in the throes of grief.

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"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." -

It can sound really invalidating to hear that, though their pain is so great, it's actually making them stronger—especially when they're unable to feel that way about it yet. Not to mention, "what doesn't kill you..." is far from the best phrase to use at this sensitive time.

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What to say instead -

Tell the person that even though you can't take the pain away, you're there to help them shoulder it. Offer some activities you can do together as a distraction.

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"They're in a better place now." -

While you might mean well by saying something like "they're in a better place now," it's a very invalidating statement to someone who is going through a fresh loss.

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"They're in a better place now." -

No one knows what happens when a person dies, and apart from the fact it might grate against the grieving person's own belief system, it's telling someone not to feel how they do.

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What to say instead -

Ask the grieving person about the one they've lost, be curious and let them speak about them. Talking about their memories can help them through the grief process.

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"What happened?" -

Depending on the circumstances, the cause of death could be something very traumatic. By asking someone exactly what happened, you're asking them to relive the pain of discovering it.

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"What happened?" -

Of course it's normal to wonder what happened, and you might feel like the question is offering a way to connect with your friend/family member. But it's best to hold off, at least initially, unless they volunteer the information.

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What to say instead -

Offer to be there, telling the person you're available to talk, but that if they're not ready yet, you can simply be with them.

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"They wouldn't want you to be sad. Don't cry." -

Many people aren't comfortable when they see a loved one crying, as they naturally wish to make them feel better. But telling someone not to cry isn't the answer.

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"They wouldn't want you to be sad. Don't cry." -

And telling someone that the deceased person wouldn't want them to be sad, so they shouldn't cry, is shaming them for having perfectly normal emotions that need a release.

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What to say instead -

Offer the person a tissue, and let them know that it's okay to let out their emotions with tears. Let the person know you're not trying to fix or cheer them up. Being present with them is giving them comfort.

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"Let me know if you need anything." -

You probably want your loved one to know that you're there for them, and want to help in whatever way you can—but maybe you're not sure how.

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"Let me know if you need anything." -

But this is a vague statement that puts the responsibility back on them to reach out to you, which they probably won't if they're afraid of feeling like a burden.

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What to say instead -

Give solid offers of help. Whether it's saying you'll bring food, drive somewhere, or take on some of the load that's happening at home while they're busy with arrangements; be clear.

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"Something good will come from this." -

Essentially telling someone to "look on the bright side" is a form of toxic positivity. In the aftermath of the shock of a loss, platitudes are cold comfort.

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"Something good will come from this." -

When someone is overcome with grief, such statements are meaningless and are better left unsaid, as they won't do any good.

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What to say instead -

Don't give meaning to someone else's experience. Tell them you're sorry they're going through what they are, without speculating that there will one day be "sunshine after the storm."

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"You're young, you can always..." -

It might be reflexive to try to encourage the person who's grieving to focus on the future and what's possible, rather than the past, so they don't sink into a depression.

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"You're young, you can always..." -

Again, though, this is invalidating the very real and normal response of grief upon suffering a loss. Trying to make someone occupy an emotional space they can't reach given the circumstances means this isn't a fair thing to say.

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What to say instead -

Instead, acknowledge their shock, pain, and the huge change that is happening for them in the present moment, without trying to swat away their legitimate feelings.

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"I know how you feel." -

This is something that should be avoided, as the truth is, you don't. We can speculate, but none of us can really know exactly what another person is feeling.

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"I know how you feel." -

It can turn the grief a person is feeling into a competition, even if that's not the intention of the person saying it.

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What to say instead -

If you've had a similar circumstance and that means you can empathize, you can mention it briefly without implying that it means you know exactly how they're feeling. Above all, make it clear that you are there to listen.

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"It's time to get over it." -

The grief process, like most emotional experiences, isn't linear. There is no set time line to "move on" or "get over it."

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"It's time to get over it." -

The grieving person might experience a trigger when they least expect it, when something reminds them of the person they've lost. Don't chastise or shame them for it.

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What to say instead -

Let the person know to take as long as they need, and that their feelings are normal and valid. It's for the grieving person to determine when they feel they've "moved on," not someone else.

Sources: (Reader's Digest)

See also: The terrible loss felt by bereaved parents

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