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The reality when it comes to secret keeping -

While keeping secrets is very common, research shows that it is bad for both our mental and physical health.

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Negative psychological outcomes -

Whether you’re keeping hush about a family member’s infidelity, or keeping your job promotion under wraps, the psychological effects of concealing the truth include a range of negative outcomes.

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Poor sleep and mental health disorders -

Keeping a secret has been shown to increase stress hormones, which in turn impacts blood pressure, inhibits sleep, and contributes to an increased risk of depression and anxiety.

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Substance abuse and chronic pain -

Studies have also shown that people who keep secrets are therefore more likely to engage in substance abuse and suffer from chronic pain.

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Why does it happen? -

So what is it about secret keeping that causes us all this grief? Recent research shows that it’s not the actual act of concealing information, per se.

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Constant rumination -

Rather, the stress that comes with secret keeping is related to the fact that we are constantly thinking about the information we are not supposed to reveal.

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The research -

According to one recent study at Columbia University, people who spend more time ruminating about their secrets tend to experience worse physical and emotional symptoms.

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Energy drain -

This is because thinking about the secret consumes our mental and emotional energy; the guilt and shame we feel can cause a deep fear of the secret being revealed.

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Depends on the situation -

Of course, the psychological toll of keeping a secret does depend on what that secret is. Not letting on to a friend about their surprise birthday party is one thing.

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More serious secrets -

Covering up the fact that you cheated on an exam, for example, is a different thing altogether. Secrets that involve unhealthy behavior tend to cause remorse.

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Imagining worst-case scenarios -

These ‘more serious’ kinds of secrets tend to evoke fear that causes feelings of shame. We tend to play out ‘worst-case scenarios’ in our heads of what would happen if the secret were revealed.

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Shame vs. guilt -

Experts often distinguish between feelings of shame and guilt when talking about the psychological effects of secret keeping.

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Shame vs. guilt -

These terms are often used interchangeably, and they are, of course, similar. There is a distinction between them, however.

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Defining guilt -

Guilt is best described as a feeling of regret that is related to a particular situation. We tend to experience feelings of guilt when we know we have done something wrong.

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Defining shame -

Shame, on the other hand, is the feeling that there’s something wrong with who we are, or the sense that we are failing to live up to expectations.

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Defining shame -

Shame can be felt by individuals, whether or not they have done something wrong. It is the feeling that there is something wrong with you, rather than what you did.

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The difference -

When it comes to secrets, guilt and shame tend to prompt different reactions in the people keeping them. Secrets that make us feel guilty can cause us to wish we had done something differently.

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Guilt is not always bad -

If you are feeling guilty for helping a friend cheat on a test, for example, you may harness that guilt to help you move forward in a way that aligns more with your values.

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Shame is always negative -

Secrets that evoke feelings of shame, by contrast, tend to preoccupy people more. They can chip away at our sense of self-worth and leave us feeling hopeless.

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How to move forward -

As difficult as they may be, secrets are often a fact of life. So, how can we keep discretions from affecting our health on a daily basis?

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Perspective -

One helpful step to take if you have been holding on to a secret for a long time is to ask yourself how important that concealed information is to who you are today.

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Reframing -

If you decide that the secret no longer reflects your current identity, framing it in your mind as a reflection of your past choices or behaviors is a great way to make it less taxing.

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Avoidance -

It is also a good idea to avoid putting yourself in situations where you have to keep malicious or harmful secrets from loved ones.

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The reality -

Of course, this is often easier said than done, especially if you are a person in whom others tend to confide.

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Setting boundaries -

If that sounds like you, it may be necessary to set some boundaries with people whose secrets are making you uncomfortable.

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Setting boundaries - Remember that it’s okay to tell people that you do not want to discuss certain topics with them. You should never feel forced into keeping a secret that makes you uncomfortable.

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Seek help -

If you find that your secret keeping is completely unavoidable and that it’s taking a toll on your mental health, try reaching out to a mental health professional.

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Seek help - A therapist or counselor will be able to provide you with some coping mechanisms to help you better process information.

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Put pen to paper -

And last but not least, you could try journaling about your feelings. Sometimes just getting things on paper can actually help to lift the burden.

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Put pen to paper -

Journaling is a great alternative to actually sharing your secret with a trusted person, which is another good option, but one which is not always available to everyone.

Sources: (Well+Good) (Caron Treatment Centers)

See also: What is blue therapy and how can it impact your mental health?

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