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The root of people-pleasing - If someone was perfectly happy dedicating their life to the service of others at all cost, then being a people-pleaser would probably be fine for them! Sadly, the desire to make other people happy is rarely the whole story. In fact, it’s just the tip of the iceberg for most people.

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Low self-esteem -

The eagerness to please stems from issues of self-worth for a lot of people. If you feel like you don’t have value and won’t be appreciated or liked by others, agreeing with them and going out of your way to please them can seem like the only way to build and maintain relationships.

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A coping mechanism -

Some people-pleasers have been subject to poor treatment in the past and learned to attend to the needs of others before their own as a way of managing the situation. It’s an understandable reaction, but it won’t necessarily lead to happiness and strong relationships.

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1. Agreeing with everyone -

One of the main signs of people-pleasing is that you tend to agree with everyone. Being a good listener is a valuable skill, and it’s also useful to be able to listen politely to someone expressing opinions you don’t agree with. However, it takes a negative turn when you feel obliged to agree with those opinions.

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1. Agreeing with everyone - While this may feel like the only option if you don’t know how to navigate such a situation without offending, it also puts you in an unpleasant position. It’s not a good feeling to go against your values, even if you know it’s false and just for the sake of politeness.

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2. Feeling responsible for the feelings of others -

This problem may be the most common. It’s a good feeling to see someone’s happiness resulting from our actions, and it’s valuable to recognize the impact our behavior has on others.

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2. Feeling responsible for the feelings of others -

That being said, we are each responsible for our own emotions. That means we can’t take ownership of someone else’s happiness. We also can’t necessarily fix someone’s bad mood.

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3. You apologize often -

Do you find yourself saying “sorry” all the time? Sometimes for walking into a chair? Frequent, unnecessary apologies are a sign that we’re blaming ourselves for things beyond our control, or assuming that others are blaming us.

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3. You apologize often - If you pick a restaurant to eat at with a friend and they happen to be out of the dish your friend wanted to order, do you feel guilty or like you need to apologize? This may be a sign that you’re a people-pleaser.

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4. You feel burdened by your schedule -

If we have a tendency to try to please others, it’s likely that our days will be filled with activities that we think we should be doing. This might be meeting a recently divorced friend for coffee so they can vent even though you’re really busy, or trying to keep up with the carpooling schedule that didn’t really suit you.

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5. You can’t say no -

We tend to agree to doing things that we don’t enjoy or don’t suit us because it’s hard to say no. If your self-worth is all wrapped up in the need to make other people happy, saying no to a favor or an invitation is a nightmare.

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5. You can’t say no -

This can also present itself in saying “yes,” but later faking an illness or making another excuse to back out of the commitment.

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6. Negative emotions make you uncomfortable -

If you can’t stand the thought of someone being upset with you, it’s much more likely that you’ll compromise on your own values or needs to placate them.

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6. Negative emotions make you uncomfortable - The problem with this is that we are taking on other people’s problems even if we’re not responsible for them. Just because someone is mad doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

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7. You act like people around you -

It’s normal for different sides of our personality to come out depending on who we’re around. This difference with a serious people-pleaser is that they’re more likely to engage in destructive behavior if they think it will make others more comfortable.

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7. You act like people around you -

For example, you might allow a friend to cajole you into getting another drink when you don’t really want one, just so they don't have to drink alone. The same goes for ordering a dessert you didn’t want so someone else doesn’t feel guilty about their choice.

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8. You need praise to feel good -

We all like to hear kind words and appreciation from others, but our self worth shouldn’t depend on it. If your whole sense of self starts to crumble when you think a friend or partner might be mad at you, it’s time to reevaluate.

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9. You avoid conflict like the plague - Conflict is unpleasant, but sometimes it’s necessary. No one wants to have a disagreement but if you’re going too far out of your way to avoid it, there may be a problem.

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9. You avoid conflict like the plague -

If you quell a potential argument by giving in and placating the other person, but have a bad feeling in your gut that you let yourself down, you may have compromised too much for the sake of peace. Sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves.

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10. You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt - If you’re unable to speak up in conflicts or disagree with someone, it’s often hard to be honest about your feelings too. In order to tell someone that they hurt you, you have to imply that they did something wrong.

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10. You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt - The thought of doing this can be paralyzing, as you think about how they might react negatively. The safest course of action may seem to be to avoid the issue and deny your feelings.

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The challenge -

The million dollar question is: how can you stop being a people-pleaser but still be nice? To a chronic giver, this can seem impossible.

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It doesn't work! -

If you notice yourself doing these things, you may also have noticed that they don’t really work. Despite your best efforts, people still get angry or upset or uncomfortable sometimes. This is proof that we don’t have the ability to be all things to all people.

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Don't become a martyr -

As well as its lack of efficacy, people-pleasing can also leave you feeling frustrated and resentful. The people around you may not realize you’re sacrificing for them, particularly when it becomes routine.

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Crash and burn - This sours relationships because you feel you’re giving everything and they’re just taking. It can lead to burnout and bad feelings.

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The foundations of a good relationship -

It also detracts from the strength of relationships. Strong, healthy relationships require honesty and more of a balanced dynamic. If your friends or partner don’t know your true feelings, it’s hard for them to truly know you and get close to you.

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1. Take note -

Awareness is the first step in changing behavior. You may want to start by taking note of occasions when you feel yourself people-pleasing, or recording them in a diary at the end of each day.

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2. Put it in perspective - When you have a list of situations, examine each one and consider what the outcomes may have been if you had said no or spoken your mind.

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3. Start with small steps - Start asserting yourself in small steps. For example, say no to something very small with someone you trust. This will help you build up confidence and reduce the fear.

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4. Express your opinions -

Another small step is to express your opinions more often. They don’t need to be controversial or contradictory, but getting in the habit of saying what you think is a good start! Don’t let yourself or the people around you forget that you have a voice too.

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The benefits will come! -

As you begin to build confidence little by little and have greater awareness, it will get easier. Changing habits takes time, but this habit is definitely worth changing.

Sources: (Healthline) (Psychology Today)

See also: The benefits of using a journal

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