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Celeste Headlee -

Celeste Headlee has worked as a radio host for decades. In that time, she’s had to talk to people she admires, people she dislikes, and people whose beliefs completely contradict her own. Over the years, she’s learned how to have a great conversation with all of them.

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The key to a good conversation -

A good conversation is all about an equal balance between speaking and listening. We as a society are becoming more polarized and less willing to compromise on our beliefs, which means we’re less willing to listen.

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‘We Need to Talk’ -

A few years ago, Headlee decided there was no better time to consolidate all of the knowledge she’d gained from her career and share it with the world. She wrote the book ‘We Need to Talk,’ which outlines her 10 key guidelines for having better conversations.

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Forget what you've learned! - We’ve often heard conversational tips such as looking the person in the eyes, nodding to show we’re listening and understanding, and repeating what they’ve said in our own words. Headlee says to forget all of that nonsense. You don’t need to find ways to make it look like you’re paying attention if you’re actually paying attention!

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The real deal -

Professional interviewers and talk-show hosts know how to gently navigate difficult subjects without causing offense and can draw the best out of their guests.

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Headlee's 10 rules -

The techniques used by these pros can help each of us have better experiences and better conversations in our daily lives. Let’s take a look at Headlee’s 10 rules.

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1. Don’t multitask -

We all know it’s rude and discouraging to check our phones while someone is talking to us. Many of us are still guilty of doing it sometimes, particularly if we’re with someone we see every day like our partners or family members. This is a basic no-no.

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1. Don’t multitask -

Headlee takes this a step further. Multitasking doesn’t just count as looking at our phones or checking our nails–it even includes what’s going on in our minds. If we’re thinking about what we’re going to have for dinner, we’re not fully present and engaged. We’re not really listening.

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1. Don’t multitask -

If you want to get out of the conversation or postpone it for a better time, go ahead, but don’t go into it with your mind somewhere else.

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2. Don’t pontificate -

Always go into a conversation assuming you have something to learn. If we think about it, every single person in the world knows at least one thing that we don’t. If we enter a conversation expecting to state our personal opinions and have no response or debate, then what’s the point? We’ll never learn anything that way.

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2. Don’t pontificate -

If we can put ourselves aside when we enter a conversation and open ourselves to learning, we’re bound to have better and more fulfilling conversations. People will be more open with us and we’ll make better connections. This could apply to a chat with your kid in the car on the way to school, or a conversation with a difficult colleague.

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3. Use open-ended questions -

When you’re speaking to someone try to ask simple, open-ended questions like “what was that like?” or “how did you feel?” If you ask a question that already provides some details, for example “wasn’t that awkward?,” they’ll probably just say “yeah, it was awkward.” It doesn’t leave as much room for thought on their part.

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3. Use open-ended questions -

An open-ended question makes us think more, which usually results in a more honest and interesting response.

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4. Go with the flow -

Conversations usually bring a lot of thoughts into our minds, but if a thought is triggered while someone else is talking, it’s best to let it go. If you think of a cool story or a personal experience, you’ll be trying to hang onto that thought and stop listening to them fully.

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4. Go with the flow -

We’ve all had conversations where we finish speaking and the other person jumps straight into their own story without acknowledging what we said. It’s clear they thought of it while you were speaking and stopped listening to you. It doesn’t feel good.

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5. If you don’t know, say so -

A lot of people have a tendency to conjure up explanations or speculate about things when the simple truth is that they just don’t know. Save yourself a lot of energy and trouble by just saying so.

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6. Don’t equate your experiences to theirs -

When someone is telling us about an experience they had, we often have a strong urge to say “the same thing happened to me!” Or worse, if they tell us about something bad like a breakup or an injury, we try to top it with an even worse story…

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6. Don’t equate your experiences to theirs -

Conversations are not competitions. There’s no better way to make a person feel like you’re not listening than to switch the topic to yourself. All experiences are individual and worthy of whatever emotions came with them.

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7. Try not to repeat yourself -

Sometimes we don’t notice we’re doing this, but it tends to come up most often when we’re speaking to children or work colleagues. We have a point we need to make, so we just keep repeating it again and again in different words.

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7. Try not to repeat yourself -

This can come off as condescending, and at the very least, boring.

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8. Stay out of the weeds -

There’s no need to give every single detail when you’re telling a story, like what year it was or what that old colleague’s name was. It’s very boring for the listener while you’re trying to recall that inconsequential detail.

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8. Stay out of the weeds -

What we care about when we’re talking to someone is who they are and what we have in common. Leave out any unnecessary details and focus on sharing more about yourself.

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9. Listen -

This is by far the most important one. Countless important and successful people throughout history have stated that listening is by far the most valuable skill you can develop.

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9. Listen - The ancient Greek philosopher Diogenes said: "We have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less." In an equally valid point, Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

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9. Listen -

One of the main reasons we don’t listen to each other is that, realistically, we’d rather talk. We also get easily distracted. The average person talks at a speed of 225 words per minute, but we can listen at a rate of 500 words per minute. That’s a lot of space for our brains to fill in. It does take a lot of energy and concentration to truly listen to someone, but if you’re not doing that, then you’re not really in the conversation.

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9. Listen -

Steve Covey, author of ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,’ put it this way: “Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

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10. Be brief -

Keep it short and sweet. We know how difficult it is to maintain concentration and fully engage during a conversation, so do yourself and your companion a favor and be brief!

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Go forth and converse -

Celeste Headlee approaches the world with the assumption that every single person has something fascinating to say. She tries to keep her own mouth shut as much as possible, listens carefully and with an open mind, and waits to be amazed. She says she’s never disappointed.

Sources: (TED)

See also: Why you're smarter than you think

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