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Keep out! -

When you were younger, you might have been one of those kids who put a sign on their bedroom door telling their brothers or sisters to “KEEP OUT!” Setting boundaries seemed so simple back then.

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Knowing your needs and communicating them - These days, it’s more about getting to know yourself and defining what you need in order to feel safe, comfortable, and happy. That’s easier said than done for a lot of people. Step two is even more complicated! Communicating our boundaries to others can often be a big challenge.

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We all need boundaries -

Nonetheless, boundaries are essential. In the most basic sense they’re there for our safety. Even if you’re the biggest people pleaser in the world, you’re not going to get into a car with a stranger at night just because it seems impolite to reject their offer. We all have limits, and boundaries are how we protect them.

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Healthy relationships need boundaries - When it comes to our personal relationships with friends, family, and partners, it can seem counterintuitive to try to “put up walls.” However, boundaries are not about blocking other people out. In fact, boundaries are what allow us to open ourselves up to others without sacrificing our own needs. Let's take a look at the benefits of setting boundaries.

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1. Relationships and self-esteem -

In any area of life, poor boundaries can lead to resentment, anger, and burnout. If we don’t set limits, we can end up giving too much, and it doesn’t help us, or anyone else, in the long run.

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1. Relationships and self-esteem -

Boundaries give us the safety and freedom to keep prioritizing ourselves while maintaining our relationships with others, whether that means making time for self-care, pursuing our career aspirations, or refusing to accept certain kinds of behavior.

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2. Flexibility -

Setting a boundary is not like swearing a solemn oath. You’re not locked into a lifetime contract. They can be changed and adjusted as you evolve and your situation changes. For example, you may be more flexible with your time when a friend or partner is in need of support and you have the energy to play that role.

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3. Emotional energy - When we fail to advocate for ourselves, our sense of identity and self-esteem can be negatively impacted. We can end up going along with things we’re not necessarily comfortable with, or allowing others to use up all of our emotional energy.

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3. Emotional energy - This inevitably damages relationships, but also makes us feel bad about ourselves. When we’re emotionally drained, we can experience all sorts of issues, and there’s the added feeling that you’re letting people walk all over you.

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3. Emotional energy - If a friend asks you to help them move house on a Saturday afternoon, that’s one thing. If a friend is constantly texting you about their latest drama and expecting you to get into it with them, that can be extremely draining.

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4. Growth and vulnerability -

Boundaries also give us space to grow and be vulnerable. Breaking a boundary at the right moment is a sign of trust. For example, you might open up to a family member or friend about a topic you had been keeping to yourself.

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4. Growth and vulnerability -

This is a clear expression of vulnerability and trust. It can strengthen your relationship with that person, and show them that it’s okay for them to open up too if they need to.

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Important note -

There is a difference between vulnerability and oversharing. Red flags for oversharing are one-sided conversations, emotional rants on social media, sharing personal details with new people to hurry the relationship along, and expecting friends and family to act as on-call therapists for daily dramas.

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Important note -

Doing this the odd time isn’t a crime–we all need to offload sometimes. However, if any of your relationships are raising a lot of these red flags, it might be time to set boundaries that are more comfortable for you. Alternatively, if you suspect you’ve been doing this, you may be guilty of trampling on someone else’s boundaries.

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How to define your boundaries -

Boundaries are uniquely personal. Each and every one of us comes from a different background with a different set of experiences that shape our perspectives and how we feel about things. There’s no list of healthy boundaries that will work for everyone, so we all need to discover our own. Here’s how to do it.

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1. Consider your basic rights -

There are a few basic things that we all deserve in life. For instance, the right to say "no," the right to feel safe, and the right not to meet unreasonable expectations. Identify what these basic rights are for you.

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1. Consider your basic rights -

Once you have them clear in your mind, it’s a lot easier to honor them. You will be more aware of the energy you spend trying to pacify and please people who don’t respect your rights. This might be someone who doesn't see your needs as being as important as theirs, or someone who doesn't allow you to make mistakes.

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2. Go with your gut - What do your instincts tell you? Sometimes we get a bad feeling, or someone makes us feel uncomfortable but we don’t know why. This might be a friend who makes you feel bad about yourself in an indirect way, or someone who makes you feel drained and exhausted after meeting up.

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2. Go with your gut - Checking in with your body can tell you where a boundary is needed. You might notice your heart rate has increased, you’re perspiring, or you feel tightness in your chest, throat, or stomach.

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3. What are your values? -

The boundaries we set are related to our morals as well as our feelings. Make a list of the 10 values that are most important to you. Then narrow it down to five! Consider these key values and how they might be challenged in your daily life. This will help you to define your boundaries and prepare you for those situations. Let's take a look at how to put these boundaries into action.

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1. Be assertive -

Being assertive is a challenge for a lot of people because of the fear of coming across as harsh or domineering. It can be scary, but the key to being assertive is to give a clear and non-negotiable message without blaming or threatening the recipient.

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1. Be assertive -

A good start is to use an “I” statement, and then explain what you need. Here’s an example: I feel restricted and a bit stressed when every minute of the vacation is planned. I need some flexibility and free time outside of our planned activities.

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2. Learn to say "no" - This might sound crazy, but “no” is a complete sentence. It might seem rude to say it without offering further explanation, but it’s important to remember that we aren’t obliged to provide more information. Everyone has the right to say "no."

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2. Learn to say "no" -

If someone asks you to dance or asks for your number, you can say "no" and you don’t owe them any more than that. If a coworker asks you to cover their shift, you don’t need to explain why you can’t. Therapist Steven Reigns says that sometimes setting boundaries relies on our tolerance for feeling uncomfortable. Practice saying "no" to small things and build your way up.

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3. Physical and practical boundaries - There are some more practical, tangible boundaries you can set that will benefit your feelings of privacy, safety, and emotional well-being. This might be putting private items in a locked drawer, or adding secure passwords to your devices and accounts.

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3. Physical and practical boundaries - Setting aside non-negotiable alone time might also be extremely beneficial for your mental health. You can set a time to stop answering messages and put your phone on 'do not disturb,’ or make it clear that you won’t be checking or responding to work emails during vacation.

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4. Get support -

If you are dealing with a mental illness, or are close to someone who is, setting boundaries can be even more difficult. For instance, a child of a person with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder will need to set boundaries to protect their own feelings, and a survivor of sexual assault may want to have clear boundaries about being touched.

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4. Get support -

If you are struggling to set and assert your boundaries, or someone is constantly crossing them, it’s never a bad idea to reach out to a professional for some extra help.

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How to respect other people’s boundaries -

It’s equally important to respect other people’s boundaries. Look out for these cues that might suggest you’re crossing a line: they avoid eye contact, back away slightly, turn away, limit responses, display nervous behavior like talking fast or laughing, crossing arms, stiffening posture, wincing, or flinching. This is particularly important when you’re talking to a neurodiverse person who is on the autism spectrum, for example.

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Just ask! -

The simplest way to gauge whether you’re respecting someone’s boundaries is to ask. Ask them if they’re comfortable with a hug. Ask if they mind you asking them a personal question. Never underestimate the power of asking.

Sources: (Healthline) (Positive Psychology) 

See also: What is nonviolent communication and how can we practice it?

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