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Are you overloaded? -

Even if you’ve never heard the term before, the mental load is something you’re sure to have experienced. A type of unseen but exhausting labor that tends to fall squarely on a woman’s shoulders, it’s the ‘worry work’ of mentally running through endless family-related checklists, i.e. school trips, costumes for the school play, friends’ upcoming birthdays, party guests’ food allergies… The list is unending, and very often unappreciated.

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Invisible work -

This type of unseen mental work can feel extra-exhausting because nobody knows you're doing it. You might be trying to concentrate in a work meeting, and at the same time worrying about how to make a pair of angel wings for your kid.

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Taken for granted? -

This mental legwork largely goes unnoticed and unappreciated by partners and other members of the family. It’s often just taken for granted that somebody is in charge of keeping family life running smoothly, and that there are always clean sheets ready when guests arrive.

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Unfair division of mental labor -

Even in families where physical tasks such as household chores and the school run are divided fairly equally, the ‘cognitive labor’ tasks tend to be disproportionately assumed by women.

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Are you bearing the load? -

If you find yourself solely responsible for making sure that the kids have the right sports kit for the right day, that they have a packed lunch for a school trip, and that one friend hates ketchup while another is lactose intolerant, you’re shouldering the mental load.

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Woman's work? -

Healthline has reported that in a 2019 study of nearly 400 married or partnered women in the US, nearly 65% were employed. But 88% also said that they were the primary person in charge of managing routines at home. In same-gender households, mental labor seems to be split more equally.

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Tensions and resentment -

Over time, the exhaustion and sense of frustration at being ‘taken for granted’ can have a negative impact on relationships.

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Outdated ideas -

Just as the idea that 'a woman's place is in the home' now seems horrifically outdated to most people in the Western world, the assumption that women naturally assume household planning tasks is quite rightly being called into question.

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Pressure overload -

For working mothers trying to keep ahead of the family schedule on top of performing their professional duties and physical chores, the mental load can be a heavy burden.

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'Helping out' -

In many families, it's common for men to offer to ‘help out’ with household duties. However well meant, this implies that the mother should be grateful when they pull their own weight. Is it too much to expect them to remember the kids' school shirts need ironing?

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Blissfully unaware -

Many well-meaning partners and spouses are blissfully unaware that this type of mental workload even exists. They may genuinely believe that by dropping the kids at school and buying a cake for their birthday party they have done their bit to keep the household running smoothly. No matter that somebody else packed the school bags and planned and shopped for the party.

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Point out the problem -

Perhaps driven by the increased planning, schooling, and scheduling that became necessary during the pandemic, the concept of the ‘mental load’ has begun to gain traction in the media. Simply having a name for the problem can be a huge step in helping couples to discuss it. If your partner is unaware of the concept, draw their attention to it, and ask how they feel the mental load is divided in your own household.

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Discuss the matter calmly -

An unfair division of mental load is extremely common, so try to approach the issue without pointing the finger of blame. It might be that neither of you had thought to question the issue before.

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Division of mental chores -

Just as you might discuss how to best divide physical tasks around the house, discuss how you can better divide the mental work. Delegating some of the planning responsibilities can take a weight off your shoulders.

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A fair share of mental duties -

Try to make sure both sides are aware of how much planning is involved in everyday tasks: sticking the laundry in the wash might not be particularly helpful if there's no time to dry it before school.

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Point out the positives -

It's worth pointing out to your partner that, for example, their contributions in cooking meals are helpful, and it would be great if they could contribute to meal planning and shopping, too.

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Offer concrete examples -

Instead of referring to a vague concept, offer solid examples of mental load tasks that you routinely take on. Do you research, book, and pack for family vacations? Do you make sure the kids have sunscreen on? Point these things out.

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Involve the family -

Encouraging older children and teens to do their own bit in household planning can help them be conscious of the mental load as adults. It can also help family dynamics to ask them to take responsibility for tasks such as making sure they know the dates of upcoming exams and events.

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Don't ditch tasks you enjoy -

Consider the key stress-triggers in your mental load. If you genuinely love buying and wrapping presents, there's no point in delegating those tasks to your partner.

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Delegate appropriately -

Try to find the tasks that come most naturally to each of you (researching vacations versus packing, for example) and delegate responsibilities accordingly.

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Common sense? -

What might seem like common sense to one person might not be so obvious to another. If they invite a group of friends round at the last minute and you know there's very little time to clean the house, point this out to them.

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Share your concerns -

It might be that some of the issues that keep you awake at night just don't seem important to your partner. Explain to them, for example, how it can be stressful for you if you know you need to speed-clean the house after work because your judgmental aunt is coming to visit.

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Explain the 'layers' of chores -

It's worth pointing out that behind every visible chore is an invisible chore. So if somebody signs up to clean the house each Saturday, they also need to make sure the cleaning supplies are stocked up.

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Emotional labor - As well as taking on the bulk of the mental load, women are often tasked with 'emotional labor,' i.e. being on hand to offer empathy and support to friends and family members. If this adds extra pressure to your mental load, point it out.

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Sharing the load - Men raised by single parents, or who were raised without gender expectations for household tasks, may be better at dividing the mental load. The way you talk to your partner and children about these tasks could very well influence the way they deal with them.

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Keep an open mind -

It might be that your partner assumes certain mental burdens that you've never even considered. Be open to their opinions, and try not to let any conversation around the issue descend into trading blows.

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Team work -

Point out that you are both on the same side. Dividing the mental load will be beneficial to everybody in the long run. For instance, you may be less tired and stressed, which should mean a more harmonious home life.

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Don't let your concerns be brushed off as 'nagging' -

It might be that your partner feels they have already done their bit by assuming certain household tasks. Point out that, if you need to keep reminding them to do it, they're still passing the mental load on to you. If repeated requests are met with accusations of 'nagging,' this will be unhealthy for the relationship.

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Don't shoulder the load by yourself -

Starting a conversation around these issues is the first step to making real changes. It might be that you are so accustomed to dwelling on tasks and responsibilities that it can be hard to hand over the reins. But attempting to shoulder the load alone is unhealthy, and your partner will probably appreciate you opening up on the issue.

Sources: (Healthline) (MindBodyGreen)

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