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It should work both ways -

The “rules” should apply equally to both parties, and not just one, otherwise it’s unfair. And who wants to be in an unfair relationship, right? Now, let’s take a look at some examples of double standards in relationships.

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Taking the initiative -

Men are more likely to be expected to initiate things. From making the first move, to choosing a restaurant on a date night, it’s just expected. This responsibility can, however, also fall exclusively on women, depending on the couple. Neither is healthy.

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Taking the initiative -

Encouraging your partner to take the initiative, regardless of gender, is the answer. People are different, and expectations may make you feel like you do all the work all the time, when sometimes the other person just needs a bit more incentive to take the lead.

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Friends -

The choice of friends and how much time is spent with them can cause friction in relationships. Maybe your partner disapproves of some of your friends and doesn't like you to interact with them (or vice versa)? Or perhaps he/she doesn’t like you to hang out with your guy/girl friend?

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Friends -

Maybe you can try to understand why your partner dislikes your friends and what his/her worries are about you spending time with them. Maybe they feel they’re somewhat of a bad influence, so it’s important to establish why.

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Friends -

Ultimately, you should trust each other, regardless of whom you spend time with. Discuss the reasons and find a balance. If you don’t “forbid” your partner from spending time with his/her friends, then the opposite shouldn’t happen either.

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Household chores -

This is a very common one among those who live under the same roof. First, identify why you feel things are not equal. Are you doing all the chores? Then it’s a matter of sitting down and calmly talking about it. Perhaps you have different work schedules, and there are some chores you enjoy more than others. All these elements can be considered for a more balanced home life.

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Going out -

Some people just love to go out and party (which can include drinking, etc.), but others not so much. If your partner is a party animal and is always dragging you out of the house, then maybe you can find a compromise and have him/her spend a few quiet nights with you as well.

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Going out -

The opposite is also true. Maybe you really like to go out, but your partner is not really into it and always asks you to stay home. Perhaps you can show him/her that you both can have fun occasionally. You don’t have to hit the clubs and only come home the next morning.

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Finances -

Money is a sensitive topic in relationships, but one that nonetheless should be discussed, and openly. If you share expenses and spending habits are different between you two, then this should be discussed.

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Finances -

Say you aren’t allowed to spend money on a new pair of shoes, but your partner goes for lunch with friends every weekend. Talk openly about it and try to find a balance. You both should be able to spend money on what you want, but not at the expense of your budget as a couple.

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Libido -

Much like initiative, men are expected to always be in the mood for sex. While women tend to refuse sex more often (for various valid reasons), men should also feel like they can do so without feeling bad about it. This is a common double standard.

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Libido -

When this happens, a number of alarm bells often go off. “Is he no longer attracted to me?” is a common one. Rejection should be discussed openly by both parties. More often than not, it has nothing to do with love or attraction.

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Control -

Jealousy can really be a deal breaker in relationships. If your partner is possessive and tries to control your moves because he/she is jealous, then this should be addressed. If your partner engages in the same behaviors as you, and you don’t make a big deal out of it, then the opposite is not fair.

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Control -

Controlling behavior is many times driven by insecurity, and that’s why trust is such an important aspect in a relationship. Both parties should feel secure, and sometimes this requires talking about it and changing some behaviors to accommodate the other person’s fears.

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Joking -

Joking with each other is all very well when you both know your boundaries and don’t cross them. You’re supposed to laugh, not feel embarrassed or humiliated. For instance, you may tease each other constantly, but if your partner makes fun of you in front of your family or friends, maybe that’s not acceptable.

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Joking -

If either of you constantly crosses the line, then that’s not fair. And surely you don’t want to do the same, as it wouldn’t lead anywhere, really. Talk about why your partner feels the need to do this, or indeed if he/she realizes he/she is doing it.

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Couple activities -

Deciding what to do, where to go, and other couple activities should be a shared responsibility. Does one of you always decide this, and only his/her ideas are valid? Does your partner constantly dismiss your wants? Then this should be addressed.

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Reacting to arguments and fights -

Do you or your partner give each other the silent treatment? Does one of you become passive-aggressive, or even abusive? If so, you don’t really have a balanced approach to conflict resolution. If you want to speak but the other person ignores you, and you can’t/won’t do the same, then you have a double standard.

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Reacting to arguments and fights -

It is true that some people get over arguments faster than others, but you both should agree what reactions are acceptable and which are not.

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Meeting needs -

Does your partner expect you to meet his/her needs while he/she doesn’t quite put in the effort to meet yours? None of you should feel neglected when it comes to having your needs met. This can lead to resentment and could ultimately dictate the end of the relationship.

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Respecting privacy -

Everyone has the right to privacy. Does your partner have access to your phone but you don’t have access to his/her? Have you agreed on what information is okay to disclose to other people, and what should never be shared outside the relationship? All these are matters that should be looked at and discussed.

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Kids -

Taking care of the kids is a big part of many couples’ lives. Similar to household chores, this needs to be addressed. Work schedules need to be taken into account, of course, but that doesn't mean simply deferring the majority of the work to one person by default.

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Talk about it -

The first step to deal with double standards in a relationship is to talk to your partner about it. Discuss what you believe to be unfair in your relationship. The aim is not to get into an argument, but to express your dissatisfaction in how double standards apply in your relationship.

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Use specific examples -

You should bring specific examples to the table and discuss them calmly. For instance, if your partner goes out every weekend with his/her friends, but you are not freely expected to do the same, then this should be brought up.

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Use specific examples -

If they can have friends of the opposite sex, but it becomes an issue when it’s you who has a guy/girl friend, this needs to be spoken about. Again, this is about recognizing unfairness, not about pointing fingers and fighting.

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Boundaries -

While usually easier said than done, saying “no” can go a long way. You are ultimately responsible for the things you do and do not tolerate, and you should be clear about them.

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Boundaries -

If your partner wants you to do/not do something, then it’s your right to disagree and say no. Setting and enforcing boundaries is not easy, especially when there are double standards already happening in the relationship, but it’s possible.

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Agree on equality -

If you both believe you should have equal rights, then it’s a good start! Now, for this to take effect, you will both need to compromise. And this can go both ways. E.g. your partner might not like the idea of you going out, but he/she can opt for not going out themselves, instead of expecting you not to. As long as you both feel you’re getting equal treatment, then it’s all good.

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Compromise -

The compromises you make as a couple will depend on who you are and what double standards you’re dealing with. Maybe your partner works all day and you don’t, so perhaps he/she can be assigned lighter household chores. In the end, it’s all about balance.

See also: Understanding the different stages of relationships

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