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Enriching -

Friendships enrich our lives in many ways. The best friendships teach you about yourself and challenge you to be a better person.

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Enriching -

Friendships can provide encouragement for you to keep going in hard times. Friends will often also be there to celebrate your successes when they happen.

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Good for your health -

In fact, some studies have found that having strong social ties is linked with better physical health as well as longevity.

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Good for your health -

Having a close circle has been shown to reduce the risk of health problems like diabetes, heart attack, and stroke.

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Advice -

It's normal to let a friend know we're in need of advice or that we'd like to share something important that's going on in our lives.

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Advice -

Where this becomes problematic is when this need for advice turns into an unintended social dependency, where you need your friends to verify your identity and self-worth.

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Expectations and boundaries -

When we assume a friend will behave in a particular way, or actively try not to hurt our feelings, that's an expectation.

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Expectations and boundaries -

Boundaries indicate what's okay and what's not okay with us. They are how we take care of ourselves, without others. While expectations are directed outwards, boundaries are about us.

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Inform each other -

Expectations and boundaries inform one another, e.g. if we feel upset with a friend for showing up late, we learn our boundary about respecting our time.

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Inform each other -

If you find that a friend repeatedly does not respect your boundary, even though you've spoken to them about it, it's up to you whether you enforce the boundary or not.

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Communication -

Where you have boundaries, you need to communicate them to your friends, and find out what theirs are, too. Direct, honest conversations about boundaries help ensure people's expectations are managed in friendships.

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Essential boundaries -

There are nine groups of essential boundaries. If you're reviewing the expectations you hold in friendships, consider where you stand when it comes to these boundaries.

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1. Time -

An example of a time boundary would be expecting your friends to be on time when you hang out, and not routinely canceling plans at the last minute.

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2. Needs -

Some people need to communicate at least once a week or day to feel connected to a friend, others are happy to go longer. Getting clear on your needs will help avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

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3. Reciprocity -

Friendships should be mutual. If you feel there is a lack of reciprocity, or that a friend only contacts you when they need help, it's important to take care of yourself by making and enforcing a clear boundary.

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4. Sharing info -

Know your own boundaries around the kind of information you're happy sharing within a friendship. Perhaps work and relationships topics are okay, but finances are out—get clear on what you're comfortable with sharing.

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5. Values -

Do your friends share your values? If not, do they respect them without trying to persuade you to change what you believe?

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6. Emotional self-care -

Having boundaries around your own emotional self-care means being able to listen to a friend and what they're going through, without trying to fix the problem.

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7. Attitude -

What types of attitude do you want to spend your time and energy around? It's important to have a boundary with people whose attitude you feel drags you down.

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8. Support -

When it comes to the support you receive from your friends, it's okay to have boundaries around this as well. Unsolicited advice is not something you have to accept.

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9. Saying "no" -

"No" is a full sentence. You are allowed to politely decline something if you don't want to do it, without feeling guilt or shame.

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Assess your friendships -

Assessing your friendships can help with managing expectations and the enforcement of boundaries. For example, your core friend group could be those you feel 100% yourself around.

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Assess your friendships -

These people have earned your trust, and you don't judge each other. The expectations you have from these people will naturally be higher than from others, so it's helpful to maintain good and open communication around boundaries.

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Friends vs. acquaintances -

Perhaps some friendships were core at one point, but you've now drifted apart with age, lifestyle changes, etc. These friendships no longer have the same level of trust or expectation.

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Friends vs. acquaintances -

Meanwhile, you might interact with people regularly or share interests/hobbies with those who are acquaintances rather than trusted confidantes. Again, there should naturally be less expectation around these interactions.

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Evolution -

Friendships evolve and grow (or shrink) over time, and that's normal. Making sure you know where you stand in the present moment with people will save you from a lot of frustration and resentment.

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Acceptance -

Part of a strong friendship is accepting each other for who the other is. Even if you don't always agree, choosing friends with similar values means being able to appreciate what drives their behavior.

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Values -

Even if beliefs and opinions differ, shared values will keep expectations in check and help motivate everyone to uphold them.

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Take responsibility for your own life and happiness -

While friendships are a wonderful part of life, they only work if you have cultivated a good relationship with yourself first and foremost. No one is ever going to understand you 100%—and that's okay. 

Sources: (Psychology Today) (Tiny Buddha) (Hush Your Mind) (Verywell Mind)

See also: How to nurture a long-distance friendship

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